Scars
by 13thegirlwiththeglasses27
Summary: Everyone has them. Some you can see and some you don't. Some have deeper than others. For NYPD Homicide Detective Quinn Fabray and New York General surgical resident Rachel Berry, scars have always reminded them of the past and what they lost until they realise it's what standing in the way of their lives and of each other.
1. Tides

Disclaimer: I do not own anything.

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Tides – Chapter One

"Say it, Rachel." Quinn spoke with pain and control as she could muster.

Rachel stood there in front of her in the middle of their apartment. She'd been crying and Quinn knew why. She always knew. Yet Rachel had kept it in, letting it bubble beneath the surface, letting it grow and multiply like some sort of infection. It was a ticking time bomb.

Rachel's sobs grew louder as she shook her head in defiance. That only made the situation worse because it meant Quinn had to reel it out of her. Out of Rachel's goodness and strength, there lay a scared young girl with a secret to keep. And she knew what it was. She saw it every time she'd get call from Lopez, hear it every time she'd call her from work and feel it every time she'd walk out of the apartment with a badge and gun. As much as Rachel wanted to hide it, Quinn knew exactly what it was.

"Say it!" Quinn yelled in anger at Rachel's stubbornness, protectiveness and fear.

When silence met Quinn's raising anger, she simply could not stop the words spilling from her lips.

"Damn it, Rachel! Just say it! Spell it out for me! Because surely, everything for the past few weeks had been my fault! The ruined dinner plans! The fights! The cold shoulders! I am sick and tired of apologizing for something clearly I did not do or haven't done! What is it, Rachel, huh? Really? What do you want?" Quinn fell the tide of emotions crash against everything in the apartment and what it used to stand for.

"I want a break up!" Rachel caved in the crashing waves of anger, in the tides of emotions passing and radiating from Quinn.

Upon hearing those words that broke their plans, their relationship and their lives, Quinn felt something died inside like she was being pulled off life support. She was speechless at finally realizing the magnitude of the pain those words caused, at the intensity of the pain those words inflicted and at how she was completely unprepared to hear them.

"Every time I come to work on patients with fatal gunshot wounds, I think and worry that one of those people on the stretchers will be you. Every time I hear that's been a car accident, I worry that I'll hear your name when paramedics come. Every time I watch you walk out of that door with that badge and gun, I worry for every call I get from your work. I…I can't do this anymore, Quinn." Rachel spoke as she shook from her cries, clearly showing the fear she kept in.

Quinn felt like she was caught into a rip current. Waves of emotions were pulling her away from the safety of her control, from everything that she knew, from Rachel.

"I don't want to get a call one day that you won't be home; that you - you've been involved in an accident. I don't want to be widowed before we got married and say our vows and see our kids grow up. I don't."

Quinn tried to fight the strength of the waves; tried to form the words to calm Rachel down; to mend what was broken. However, just when she'd think she could say them, another wave of emotions pulled her down deeper, taking away those words and flooding her with more pain.

"I know what's it like. My dad was the sheriff and there were days that I don't know whether he'd be coming home…until he didn't. Daddy didn't know where to start and- " Rachel couldn't finish her sentence because Quinn knew.

Rachel didn't want to lose Quinn the same way her Daddy lost her Dad. It was her fear, her secret, and her scar. The impact of the loss molded the person she was today. Her fear of death and of loss closed the doors for other people, for the world. She wouldn't let anyone come close but somehow, Quinn managed to. Yet just because she managed to, it didn't mean the fear was no longer there, that the doors were no longer close. Rachel would always be afraid. That was a fact and she knew that.

For a moment, there was clarity. There was honesty. There was truth. Then, there was nothing; nothing for Quinn. No amount of apologies, assurances or promises could stop those waves from crashing, to repair the damages, to end the fights and to keep those fears away from Rachel.

That was when Quinn knew. She knew that these fights and her fears would never end. This was a cycle, a horrible cycle of fighting and picking up those pieces and making up. A cycle she knew well enough to understand that what would happen next. It was exhausting and painful.

As much as she cares for Rachel, as much as she wants to be the one to chase those fears away, as much as she longs to be the one for her, she couldn't do it. She couldn't be. She wasn't strong enough to fight off those waves and to keep those fears away. She was drowning from them, sinking deeper under those waters and looking up at the glistening sky of blue and white.

Maybe for once, this was right. Quinn wasn't blind to see that things haven't been right for the past few weeks; haven't been right for them. It was a rough road. Maybe it was right for them to end it. Nothing in life was permanent anyway; everything was ephemeral. Maybe that was it. All that was left for her was to pack her bags and go.

"I'll come by tomorrow to get my things." Words that left Quinn's lips surprised her, at how everything seemed simple.

Like the routine she gotten use to, Quinn grabbed her gun and badge from the coffee table along with her bag. She walked towards the door and put on her coat.

"Quinn… please." Rachel choked and hearing her broke Quinn's resolve.

"Good bye, Rachel." Quinn said as she looked back at Rachel, trying not to come undone by the sight of her, trying not to cave and came back to her arms, trying not to cause anymore pain.

Walking out that door, Quinn wiped the stubborn tears that fell. There was nothing left. Rachel had been the only person she didn't want to lose but seeing how things went. She lost her anyway. She sighed and tightened her hold on the strap of her bag. She walked onwards until she was out of the building and into her car. Her breathing turned into gasps and she was sure she was in no condition to drive but she pressed on.

Forcefully keying her car into life, Quinn stepped on the accelerator and drove away. Never mind that she was practically hyperventilating or she was going above the speed limit or her hands were shaking. She needed to leave, get away from it all.

Suddenly, her lungs began to constrict. Her heart hammered hard inside her ribcage. Cold beads of sweat were forming on her forehead and she was feeling her stomach turn and twist in uncomfortable motions. Grasping tightly on the steering wheel, Quinn maneuvered her car to the side of the road and rummaged through her glove compartment for a paper bag. Once finding it, she began to breath in and out of it.

As soon as her breathing and heart rhythm returned to normal, Quinn took a moment to compose herself. Breaking her concentration was the sound of her ringing phone. She felt fear crawl back to her system as questions emerge. What if it was Rachel? What would she say? Did she even want to pick it up? With her mind racing, another gate way was opened. Did something happen to Rachel? Was it the hospital? Was Rachel okay? Quinn looked through her bag and picked up the call without a second to lose, fearing the images she conjured up in her mind.

"Fabray." Quinn said, trying to control the quiver of her voice.

The voice on the other line eased the fear brewing in Quinn. It was not Rachel.

"We got another one. At the southbound underpass." Det. Lopez's voice rang in her ears.

Narcotics Detective Karenina Marie Lopez or Karen was the closest friend Quinn had. They met when Karen was still a police officer and gotten involved with one of Quinn's coworkers. In that instant, there was a mutual understanding and a pull of protectiveness claimed Quinn. Maybe it had been that seeing Karen reminded her younger sibling, Lily or the fact that Karen was three years younger than her and already butting heads with the higher ups, either way Quinn helped.

Then, Karen told her of her past like it was the weather and that stirred Quinn to even care for her. She was placed in the foster system at the tender age of eight when her mother overdosed from drug use. From that, it was unclear at what happened to her because Karen hardly talk about it and when she did, it was vague. Whatever it was, Quinn understood.

They were tied together through the violence created by people. She was the person Quinn comes to when everything was too much, when things didn't go alright and when there was nothing else for her.

There was relief once Quinn heard Karen's voice. Then, there was foreboding. The dark seeds of the humanity crawled to the surface of everything and drowned all the good things there was. It had taken a life at the expense for another. She took a deep breath. There was another body, another person that died.

"I'm about ten minutes away. I'll meet you there." Quinn replied, strengthening her resolve.

"See you then." Karen hung up.

It wasn't long before Quinn drove towards the place, setting aside her personal issues and heartbreak. Because reality had set in, life moves on. As much as she wanted to wallow in her misery and pain of losing her fiancée, there was a dead body waiting for her, a family that needed answers and closure and a case she knew she needed to solve.

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Author's note: Reviews are welcome. Thanks for reading.


	2. Traces

Disclaimer: I do not own anything.

Legend:

Italics represents the memory, flashback, past

Fine print or non-italics represents the present

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Traces – Chapter Two

It was inescapable. No matter how hard Rachel tried, she couldn't forget. But then maybe, she didn't want to forget. However, with all that happened, maybe she should. Why hold on to someone who wanted to let go? Yet forgetting her required forgetting everything because that was like trying to ignore that she studied medicine. Sighing, she gripped the pen harder and wrote on the charts of the patient in curtain 2 roughly.

Rachel was put on pit duty for today and so far, it was okay. She was fine, doing sutures and bandaging cuts. She needed to do something simple, routine-like and demanding; she needed a distraction and being assigned to the pit certainly guaranteed that. The pit was good for distractions and she was where she felt she needed to be.

The ER at this moment was a little slow. There weren't a lot of patients to attend but Rachel didn't mind. Practice was her first argument that held her into position of attending another patient in the pit. Practicing the basic skills was important in becoming a surgeon. It'd improve her techniques and reduced the chances of making a mistake. It would familiarize her with handling patients, equipment and charts. Another argument was the catharsis of it all. The routine-like produces on the injuries was calming. By now, she was okay.

However, this was Rachel's method of handling what had happened last night. The break-up. Delving into anything medical drew her away from wallowing in the fact that all that was left in the apartment was Rachel's stuff – **her stuff**. That **their** apartment was now hers when they picked it together. It was all hers and it would be empty when she finished her shift for the day and gone back to their… her place. Without her.

Her with her beautiful short golden hair, her sparkling blue eyes, her bright smile, her sweet voice, her melodic laughter, her soft touches, her warm hugs, her passionate kisses…

Rachel closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Those were the things that were hard to forget but painful to remember because it'd allow other memories to come flooding. Those memories would remind her of what it was, how it used to be and what had been. And she didn't need that. Not now. But she couldn't help herself. Those reminders and memories were all traces of her and of everything.

Slowly, Rachel opened her eyes and went back to charting in hopes to chase those thoughts of a certain blonde detective into a small box in the back of her mind. Even though it wouldn't be easy, she would try. She would try because it was what she needed it to be. Somewhere between boredom and monotony of charting, a memory of a tragic accident flashed across her mind.

_Rachel was paged to the ER for vehicular accident. A collision of cars through traffic caused plenty of people to get hurt. Ambulance after ambulance, the ER was the definition of chaos. A lot of people crying in pain lay in the beds as some were rushed to the trauma rooms then transferred to the OR. There were casualties but the figures of exactly how many were unknown. _

_Before she could even begin to mortify the magnitude of the accident, Rachel was taken under her chief resident's service, Dr. Terrance Jackson. The patient suffered spinal injury and leg fractures. _

"_Mr. Jones, you're going to need surgery to fix your leg fractures and your spinal injury." Dr. Terrance Jackson explained carefully to the patient._

"_Spi-spinal injury… I'll – I'll be able to walk, right? Because… I've got… got two beautiful girls, Kelly and Kate. Eight and six and I- " Michael asked breathlessly in fear. _

_Rachel looked at Dr. Jackson for a brief second before replying._

"_Mr. Jones, calm down… We'll run MRI scan. Once I get them, we'll get you to an OR and fix you up, okay?" Dr. Jackson replied with a sincere voice._

"_But I'll be able to walk, right? Promise me I'll be able to walk." _

"_I'll try my hardest to save your legs, okay? But don't worry about that for now, do you have any family I can call? A wife? A brother?" _

_Michael Jones looked at Rachel for a moment before he sighed._

"_No, no wife… My sister, Ashley, Ashley James… She's… She works at a veterinary clinic, down at Brooklyn." _

"_Do you have a number we can use to contact her?" Rachel asked._

"_She's my emergency contact." _

"_Thank you. I'll get you to an MRI so we can help you, okay?" Rachel replied with a smile._

"_Thank you." Michael smiled back._

"_Here's his chart and page me once you get the scan." Dr. Jackson said as he handed Rachel the patient's chart. _

"_Okay." Rachel nodded and pushed the stretcher Mr. Michael Jones occupied in._

Rachel took a deep breath, trying to release all the tension building up in her muscles. She closed the patient's charts and grabbed a clipboard with patient forms before returning to the patient in curtain 2.

"I had some tests done and once the results come back all clean, you're free to go. Until then, you'll be admitted. How's your pain?" Rachel explained as she examined the sutures on the patient, Harold Chang.

"Not too bad." Harold replied, "How long would I need to wait for the test results?"

"Shouldn't be too long and it's only precautionary due to the basis of your accident. You shouldn't worry. In the mean time, you can fill out these patient forms. I'll have a nurse escort you to room, okay?"

"Thanks." Harold replied with a smile and Rachel replied back with the similar gesture.

Rachel left the patient chart folder on the holder of the bed and approached the nurse's station.

"I need a nurse to escort Mr. Chang to a room." Rachel said, "There's also tests results I'm waiting for the patient. He's filling out patient forms as well."

"Okay, I'll get one." The nurse replied.

"Thanks." Rachel said before turning to get another folder.

"Dr. Berry! I… I'm..." Harold's voice called out.

Rachel rushed to his side along with some nurses.

"His pulse ox is dropping. BP is 82 over 48." One of the nurses, Evelyn, said.

Rachel put on her stethoscope and placed on Harold's chest.

"Tell Radiology I need stat spiral CT and page Dr. Cane!" Rachel told the nurses.

Rachel took a quick breath and hoped the shaking of her hands had gone unnoticed by the nurses. She had hoped that her heart would stop hammering inside her ribcage and tried to keep her breathing level. She also hoped her nerves would stop to get the best of her.

"_Are you doing okay, Mr. Jones?" Rachel asked as she pressed the button to speak on the microphone. _

_Mr. Michael Jones was inside the MRI and was getting his body scanned. _

"_You know, you remind me of her." Mr. Jones said over the speaker as he lay very still._

"_Of your sister?" Rachel asked with a smile reaching her lips._

"_No… Of my wife." Michael replied._

"_Really?" Rachel was seeing the image of the scan from her screen; it was loading quite slowly._

"_Yes, she was lovely woman, very caring, gentle, strong..."_

_Rachel could hear the word "but" as Michael's voice trailed off._

"_But she was just too involved with people. She was always the one to put herself out there for others. I don't mean it in a bad way. It's just… she have a big heart and she was constantly trying to fit people in them."_

"_She sounds like a very loving person." Was all Rachel could say but in her mind, she saw her Dad's face and his ways with people. _

"_She was… very loving. It was just… She was so busy thinking about others, she forgot about her family."_

_Rachel remained quiet for a moment as she tried to focus on the image of the scan than the images of her Dad._

"_That's what got her killed. She was… she was shot, trying to save people." _

_Rachel's finger reached the button but she felt hesitant for a moment._

"_I'm sorry about your loss, Michael." Rachel said._

_The picture was halfway on the screen._

"_She saved them, you know… She fought a guy with a gun. I couldn't stop her. I tried. But she said, someone had to. She just… died, saving them."_

"_That was brave of her." Rachel wanted the picture to load up already because she didn't know what else to say._

"_Yeah, brave… Now, I have to raise two little girls without her. I wish she could just…. I wish had talked her out of it. Maybe if I had, she would've-"_

"_It's not your fault, Mr. Jones."_

"_I know but… sometimes I feel like it is. My youngest, Kate, she's six and sometimes she talks in her sleep. She got it from her, not me." Michael chuckled, "But she calls her. She misses her mum. How's it fair? That my wife saved all those people in that bank and now, I have to answer my girl's questions about her mum's death."_

_Rachel remembered back when she was twelve and her Dad had gotten himself involved in a shooting. They were chasing some troubled kids and one of them happened to have a car. As she was told, one of those kids hopped into his car and somehow ran over her Dad. She remembered how badly her Dad's body looked. He was barely breathing and his chest was crushed. There were tire marks and blood and flesh coming out. Her Daddy was crying hysterically on the background, trying to get a hold of himself that he forgot his twelve-year-old daughter was seeing what most twelve year old girls wouldn't have to see._

_For that moment, Rachel wasn't in the observation room, waiting for the image of Michael Jones's scan. Instead, she was pulled back to being her twelve-year-old self, staring at the gruesome image of her Dad in the ER. She could hear the doctors shouting orders and words that seem made up as her Daddy's cries joined the chaotic melody. She felt the world move so fast and she was there, still and quiet, alone and helpless. _

_Though it wasn't until the ear-piercing sound of flatling from a heart rate monitor reached Rachel's ears that she felt she'd been abandoned. It was the sound that left her family in shambles and her life in pieces. It was the sound that haunted her in her sleep. It was the sound that determined her future. It was the sound that reminded her Dad was dead. However, it was also the sound that pushed her into medicine._

Rachel was inside the OR beside Dr. Paul Cane, their cardiothoracic surgeon, performing a pulmonary embolectomy on Harold Chang.

"The size of this VSD should have come up on the echo." Dr. Cane said, "Now, I have another arteriotomy of the right PA to perform."

Dr. Cane looked at Rachel.

"You should have ordered more tests." Dr. Cane pointed.

Rachel wanted to say that she did order more tests, that she was about to admit the patient until the test results come back and that she wasn't careless. However, that was only half true because she was careless. She had spent her energy today, trying to forget and remember last night that she overlooked it. In that moment, all she could do was look at Dr. Cane in the eye and nod because it was her fault.

"Alright, get me the entire CT scan because the scan we have is useless." Dr. Cane said and Rachel nodded again before moving and leaving the OR.

However, as Rachel went to fetch the entire scan, she couldn't help but remember.

_Rachel scrubbed in Michael' s surgery with Dr. Fred Jackson when her pager beeped. _

"_Whose is it?" Dr. Jackson asked as he continued to work on Michael._

_Dana, the nurse, checked the pagers._

"_It's for Dr. Berry." Dana replied._

"_What'd it say?" Dr. Jackson added._

"_It's 911 on the Trauma Two and Fabray." _

_Once hearing Quinn's surname, Rachel stopped and looked at Dr. Jackson._

"_I need to go." Rachel said as she stepped back and removed her gloves._

"_Alright, I'll close him up but you're on him for post op." Dr. Jackson said. _

_Rachel nodded before rushing out of the OR and into the ER's trauma two room. Of all the time she spent working on patients in and out of the OR, she was not prepared to see Quinn lying still on the table with tubes and bandages and blood. It was like painting a déjà vu with her Dad. Another ER room, another table, another person she cared about, and another accident. _

_Rachel felt like cemented to the floor and numbed by shock though her heart was feeling tachycardiac and her lungs was hyperventilating._

"_Rachel?" Dr. Calvin Atherton's voice, a fellow surgical resident, somehow brought Rachel back her motor skills and voice._

"_Quinn?" Rachel called out of desperation. _

_Calvin's hands on Rachel's shoulder felt heavy and solid but everything felt surreal._

_Rachel was taken by surprise. She hadn't expected this to happen… not to her. Not again. She felt the walls close in and felt like she had been taken hostage once again by her fear. It seeped through her hands and filled her inside, leaving nothing but a black hole of emptiness. Suddenly, standing there on the sidelines of the trauma room two, she witnessed Quinn coded._

_Like an out of body experience, Rachel felt herself float from the floor and helplessly watch the lines of the heart rate machine fell into a monotonous straight trend. She heard the high-pitched sound of the machine. In that moment, she felt something inside her recoiled, like a phone cord pulled out too hard and twisted back on itself. The only thing she knew at that moment was that Quinn had no heart beat._

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Author's note: Reviews are welcome. Thanks for reading.


	3. Sleep

k: Firstly, I'd like to apologise for the lengthy time that took me to finish this chapter. I know it seems meaningless but still, I'm sorry. I couldn't thank you all enough that you've taken time to read my story. Again, I'm sorry.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything.

Legend:

Italics represent the memory, flashback, past

Fine print or non-italics represent the present

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Chapter 3 – Sleep

It was in the late hours of the night and darkness shroud over the city. The sky, previously painted with blue background and white clouds, was now coated in the colour of piano black with twinkling diamonds and luminous silver ball. People lay in their comfortable beds, sleeping these hours away and dreaming up fantasies of another world.

However, just as the beauty of the night lulled people into a peaceful slumber, another face of the night rose to consciousness. In the innocent oblivion of security, a traitor basked in these hours of weakness. Treacherous and malicious acts of violence that placed the fear back into darkness and into the night.

Quinn knew exactly what dangers the night brought from her field of work and from experience. It would breach her resolve and spread fear into her system. The choices she had each time were to face the fear or flee from it. An instinctual decision of fight and flight and each time, she'd choose to fight, to fight for those who had been victims of such monstrosity.

Yet, in certain moments of weakness; her own weakness, she'd flee. She'd leave all the case files under lock and key inside her drawers and drove off somewhere… some place warm and freeing. Some place all those fear ceased to exist in her mind and she'd be filled with courage instead. Some place where all the coldness and brutality of another human being were replaced at how selfless and loving another can be. Some place where she could be happy and loved.

_Quinn came through the doors of the apartment with another bad case. A young sweet sixteen year old was found dead in her bathroom floor. Until it wasn't ruled suicide, it was her case. She dropped her bag and coat on the floor and found Rachel lying on the couch, asleep, with the TV on. Again. _

_Without thought, Quinn approached the couch and crawled to lie on top of Rachel, to feel the warmth from Rachel's body and to fill her mind about thoughts of love instead of death. The sudden pressure and lack of any free space to move, Rachel woke and found a mop of golden hair. A smile instantly spread on her face._

"_Hey, sweetie. Are you okay?" Rachel asked as she enveloped her arms around Quinn._

_Quinn didn't reply but the motion of shaking her head answered Rachel's question._

"_Bad day?" Rachel asked again and that only made Quinn bury her face in Rachel's arms. _

_There was peaceful silence except for the sounds of a television show on the TV. Rachel moved a little so that she could look at Quinn. The detective looked so disheartened and tired. In that moment of peace, she reached up to kiss the detective in the lips. It wasn't of passion nor of routine, it was of comfort and assurance and love. It reminded Quinn that she was home and that she was okay. _

Quinn shook her head to mentally push that memory in the back of her mind and focus on the case at hand. It was a joint operation of Homicide and Narcotics, which was why she was paired with Det. Karen Lopez. It was a relatively huge case that involved a small time mobster. It looked like a drug exchange gone badly but the word "badly" was the understatement, considering it had two victims lying on the cold table in the morgue. Evidence didn't clearly state who was the perpetrator but the suspects' crumbling alibis weren't helping either. The crime scenes photos showed no struggles, raising the possibility that the victims knew the perp. Yet that was all they have so far.

The scope for the case needed to be smaller to deduce who did the killings before the mobster Roberto Diego decided to take manners in his own hands. That was why Quinn was reviewing every bit of information they have on the suspects and victims because somehow she believed it had to be there.

Yet having to look over everything they got in hope to figure out anything about the case at a late hour of ten-eighteen was tedious and unproductive. With suspects, interrogation and forensics fail to be helpful; Quinn was nearing the point of exhaustion. She was tired of hearing lies from suspects trying to shift the blames. She was tired of trying to look for evidence or information that could explain the crime. She was tired of knowing that there was nothing new or nothing they could find that would be helpful. If that hadn't been bad enough, she still needed to find a place to stay for the night and now, was alone.

Closing her eyes to focus back on her case, Quinn pushed through the tears in her eyes and pain that gripped her chest. She took a couple of deep breaths to get herself calmed down and not be carried away by her emotions. Breaking her concentration were crisp sounds of footsteps and jiggling of keys approaching. She turned and found Det. Karen Lopez walking towards her desk.

"Alright. Five minutes." Karen said before she clasped her phone shut, ending the call.

The moment Karen ended the call, Quinn wondered whom she was talking to yet she didn't ask.

"I found some files on our victims. They're both dealers of the same supplier." Karen said as she picked up a white boarder marker from Quinn's penholder just as she dropped the folder of information.

"The same supplier? That's the link we've been looking for." Quinn opened up the folders as Karen wrote this bit of information on the murder board, "Wait. It's not Roberto Diego?"

"No, it's not. It's a third person." Karen turned to face Quinn who was now reviewing the files.

"This doesn't make sense. If our victims were dealers of Roberto Diego, why would they deal with another supplier?"

"Benjamin Franklins."

Quinn looked up at Karen with a raised eyebrow.

"These dealers are looking for more money, chasing the green paper, Quinn. If another supplier raised an opportunity of more Benjamin Franklins, they wouldn't have thought twice."

"Okay. The money trail makes sense. Now, the question is who and why these dealers? As far as I know, they're normal drug dealers. I don't understand why take two? Why not take more?"

"I'll look into that. See if there's anything." Karen said then she looked at her watch, "Well, I'm going to split. I got a person to tail."

"What? Wait. Who? One of our suspects?" Quinn asked as she watched Karen took out her keys.

"Nope. It's nothing. I want to make sure this person stays out of trouble." Karen tossed her keys on Quinn's desk, "Keys to my apartment. I won't be too long and… I'll take couch. I don't want Berry chasing me with a scalpel like last time, okay?"

Quinn froze for a second. Her mind was racing with questions. How could Karen know? Did Rachel tell her? Was she too obvious?

"H-how?" Was all she could manage to ask Karen.

Karen smiled.

"Your duffle bag under your desk and you keep fiddling with your ring." Karen turned towards the murder board once more, "I couldn't sleep too. Not without seeing their faces or their families. I don't know how you do it."

Quinn looked down on her right hand with her ring and stopped herself from touching the gold band before following Karen's gaze.

"Anyway, I got to go. See you later and don't stay up." Karen said before walking out of the place.

Quinn listened to the fading sounds of Karen's footsteps. She sighed as she looked at everything their murder board have; pictures and information of their dead victims, their living unreliable suspects, and the crime scenes. Though the case was only in its early stages, she felt there was something missing about the case; something more than the crime and possibly even the victims.

_Quinn opened a door and instantly smelt blood with its metallic elements. The scent welcomed her so much that she believed she could taste it on her lips. A few more steps and there was it, a sight of blood pooling on the kitchen floor._

Quinn looked away then realized she was fiddling with her ring once more. She stopped herself and checked her watch. It was nearly quarter past eleven. She gathered all the files and placed them in her bag before putting her coat on and leaving the office with the keys of Karen's apartment. Stepping out of the building, relief filled her insides instantly, like the gentle brush of the night breeze against her skin.

Reaching Karen's apartment was fairly easy. There wasn't much traffic and was relatively close to the station. The problem was that Karen's place of work, Precinct 23th, was a little more than forty blocks away. Quinn had often wondered why Karen didn't look for a place closer to her work.

"_The traffic on the way there is often busy." Quinn reasoned as she settled on Karen's couch._

"_I'm curious on why you're concerned about how I get to work." Karen replied as she padded towards the couch and sat next to her._

Once Quinn found herself inside the building and at Karen's front door, she pulled her phone and was about to send a message to Rachel when she realized there was no reason to.

_Rachel's beautiful tear-stained face appeared. With her hair and loose curls in a messy bun, still wearing her ocean green scrub suit and even have her pager clipped on the waistband of her pants. Yet she was stunningly gorgeous in so many ways and with so little effort. _

"_I want a break up!" Rachel's voice whispered with pain and guilt._

"_I…I can't do this anymore, Quinn."_

_Waves of emotions crashed on Quinn, making coherent thought impossible._

"_Goodbye, Rachel" Quinn's quivering voice spoke with finality._

_The door of their home slammed shut._

Trying to gain control of her emotions, she pushed the door with more force than needed. It collided loudly with the wall and was relieved to see that there were marks. If there were, Karen would be pissed. She remembered her incident with the wall.

_It was when Quinn and Rachel bought new furniture for their place and Karen took in their old ones. Quinn and Karen helped carry the couch inside while Rachel navigated them. They're got the couch half in when Karen heard a loud bang._

"_Hey. What was that?" Karen asked in alarm as she stopped moving._

_Quinn and Rachel's faces were covered by the height of the couch. Karen didn't see the glances the two exchanged or the mouthing of words. _

"_Come on, guys. What is it?" Karen was beginning to worry._

_After a few seconds of silence, Karen's questions were answered._

"_It's... It's nothing, just a scratch. Come on, move it inside so we can push it." Quinn replied._

_Karen didn't say anything but noted the fact that Rachel didn't say anything. Yet she caught sight of the small indent on the wall that Quinn made. She was so angry._

"_What the fuck!? Are you kidding me?! What do you mean 'scratch'? It's not nothing!" Karen was flailing her arms towards the wall and Quinn, "Why would you do that? Look at it, Quinn! It's a fucking six inch rip on my fucking wall!"_

_Rachel had to hold Karen back and talk to her to calm her down. Afterwards, Quinn was forbidden, literally not allowed to touch or do anything but sit on the couch for the next few minutes. Instead, she got to watch Rachel and Karen move her stuff into place to make the apartment look nice. _

That memory made Quinn chuckle and shook her head. Making her way inside and closing the door more gently, the apartment looked the same since that day. Nothing had changed much; every little thing was still in their places; the couch, the coffee table, the plasma TV with its entertainment unit. The entertainment unit had a DVD player and a ps3 console. On the left side of the TV, stacks of DVD's can be found. Stacks of video games can be found on the right side. Behind the couch, a bookshelf from ceiling to floor stretched across the wall. A huge window facing nothing but another brick wall view was on the far right of the room.

Before anything, Quinn sighed and dropped herself on the couch. She chuckled again as a scent of vanilla and peppermint reached her nose. She reached for the remote and turned on the TV. After seeing that there was nothing remotely interesting, she got up and headed towards the kitchen area. She opened up the cupboards and fridge. A loud sound made her jump and drop on the floor. Sighing and frowning, she got up and glared at the digital wall clock. The time was twelve midnight.

"Damn you" Quinn cursed the wall clock as she gathered her composure to make herself a sandwich.

Making a huge bite at her sandwich, Quinn opened the fridge and took out a beer bottle.

"Thank you, Lopez." Quinn said as she moved back to the couch.

From there, Quinn lowered the volume of the TV and started the gruelling process of working. She looked over the information they had on their victim; financial accounts, call logs, forensic evidence and witness statements. She got down notes and mapped out anything useful.

The first victim was a thirty-five year old Caucasian male named Mr Sebastian Brooks. For some, he was named "Bass". He was a dockworker at Conner by the port but he was also a drug dealer. One of the early recruits by the Spanish Cartel ran by Roberto Diego. He was usually found to be around in Anchor's Away pub. He was found beaten and shot in the head inside his car, parked outside the pub. Neither the staff nor the regulars could give any sort of information about the crime.

However, there was a muddy print of a boot on the left backseat door. It was roughly between a size nine to nine and a half. There were no prints found on the body or the car. Mr Brooks' bank account only contained four thousand, three hundred sixty two dollars and twenty-five cents. With accordance to the bank records, there was no other account other than Conner regularly paying the victim's salary. This suggested that Mr Brooks was receiving the money from the deals in cash. On the trunk of the car, a notebook, a shoebox filled with sachets of cocaine, PCP and marijuana and small metal case with a broken lock. The metal case was empty and it was highly suspected where money was kept. The notebook contained the drug trade but it seemed there was a quota at how much was needed. From the data showed, Mr Brooks had five hundred seventy four thousand, two hundred fourteen dollars. It was a lot of money and the quota was only a hundred thousand.

Karen suggested a third party was involved. To get five hundred seventy four thousand, two hundred fourteen dollars, Mr Brooks had to sell more than the drugs given to him. Either he was involved with another supplier or increased price of the drugs, the money from the trade could have led him to his death. The hard part was no paper trail on where the drug money was nor the money Mr Brooks' received from the drug deals he made. His dingy apartment was searched up and down. There was nothing to be found but pieces of someone scrapping by in life.

Second victim was Jana Fowler, a forty-year-old American Indian. She was a single-mother of three; Amir, fourteen, Carol, nine and Nayve, four. She worked as a pastry chief in Sweet Cakes. She fell short in money when her youngest daughter, Nayve, gotten in ill with pneumonia complicated by empyema. With all the hospital bills and medication, her salary as a pastry chief was not enough to keep food on the table and pay all the bills. She had sold almost everything she had that could be sold to get money.

Mrs Fowler's situation got worse when the bank took back her house. She moved back in with her stepfather, Jason Doyle. She looked for another job but it wouldn't allow her enough time to see her children, especially Nayve. The details in how Mrs Fowler got involved in the drug business were all questionable but it mentioned a guy, possibly an old friend of hers. His initials were J.G. Yet she did and she owed a huge amount of money from one of the bookies Roberto Diego had.

Her body was found stabbed and assaulted in a closed alleyway on the southbound underpass. There was a metal suitcase cuffed to her but it was now empty. A couple of sachets of cocaine, PCP and Rophynol were found on her jacket pocket. A small notepad filled with what looked like records of what has been sold and how much. It was tragic; knowing that all Mrs Fowler was doing was for her children. Now, Amir, Carol and Nayve was placed under Jason Doyle's care.

In one of the folders, Quinn found a picture of Mrs Fowler's family. It was an old photo because Nayve was still possibly months old. They were smiling and happy. She couldn't help but feel sympathetic towards the children, growing up without their mother, unable to know and feel how much their mother loved them. Daring tears dropped from her eyes and she wiped them away.

"I promise to find this bastard and make it right." Quinn said before took another swing at the beer.

It might have been two bottles or three, Quinn had not kept count but that didn't matter. She was drowning from alcohol and from the case. She needed to breathe. She couldn't stop hearing the information about the case in her head. Everything that happened that day came rushing back to her and she had no idea how to stop it.

Emotions Quinn kept locked inside were surfacing one by one; anger, hurt, sadness, frustration. All of them meshing into one and from her condition of being slightly drunk, there was no way of knowing whether she was going to scream or cry. What came with emotions were memories and each one was like a gunshot to her chest.

From the waking moments…

"_Quinn…Quinn…." Rachel spoke in a teasing and singsong tune._

_Quinn closed her eyes tight but a smile appeared in her face. _

"_Oh, come on, babe… Wake up" Rachel whispered._

_Quinn felt Rachel's breath on her ear and a subtle kiss on her jawline. _

"_Hmm…" Quinn hummed with a smile, keeping still in bed and on her side, "I don't want to."_

"_Come on, babe… wake up" Quinn felt Rachel kiss her neck, her cheek, and nose but stopped when it got closer to her lips._

"_Hmm… why'd you stop?" Quinn asked as she finally turned and faced Rachel who was now sitting up._

"_I'm going to be late and so are you." Rachel said as she tied her shoelaces. _

_Quinn frowned at Rachel's response. Then, out of the nowhere, Rachel came forward and placed a quick kiss on her lips._

"_I'll be going. Have a good day and take care. Breakfast is on the table." Rachel said as she moved to put on her coat._

"_You know that I haven't brushed my teeth, right?" Quinn said._

"_I know and I love you regardless. Bye." Rachel said before leaving the bedroom door and the apartment, leaving Quinn awake and smiling. _

To sleeping at nights…

"_Ugh… I'm so tired." Quinn grunted as she threw herself into the bed as Rachel was reading a book. _

_Quinn was lying on her stomach and felt Rachel's hands rub circles on her back before turning to face her._

"_I had to chase a suspect halfway across a park." Quinn added._

_Rachel folded the edge of the page she was on before placing the book on the bedside table. She turned and looked at Quinn who was making her best impression of puppy dogs._

"_What would make you feel better?" Rachel asked as she began to play with Quinn's short golden hair._

_Quinn pouted, trying to control her smile._

"_A massage would be nice." Quinn replied._

_Rachel leaned closer to her and placed a soft kiss on her cheek._

"_That's all?" Rachel asked as she repositioned herself on Quinn's back._

_Before Quinn could reply, Rachel's hands soothed Quinn's aching muscles. Rachel's lips followed and worked their charm on every exposed skin. Inevitably, a moan escaped from Quinn's lips from what Rachel was doing. _

"_Better?" Rachel asked._

_Quinn berated herself from letting the moan escape, sensing what Rachel was doing. Not that she didn't want it, the heat from her lower extremities proved that thought otherwise. She hoped that she hadn't given it so easily. She was just a sucker to the massage… and those kisses._

"_No" Quinn replied._

_Coherent thought was possible if kept in single words. Quinn turned to lie on her back but Rachel stayed on top, straddling her. As soon as she saw a smirk appear in Rachel's face, she knew._

"_What would make you feel better?" Rachel whispered huskily as she lowered herself on Quinn._

"_Surprise me." Quinn said as she wrapped her arms around Rachel._

_Without a second to lose, their lips closed the distance between. _

For every laughter…

"_Rachel!" Quinn squealed as she ran across the living room, "The furniture! The rug! Aaahhh!"_

_Rachel ran after her with a bottle of whipped cream. Her attempt before on icing Quinn failed when she was caught. It ended up all over her hair and clothes. Now, she was looking for a little payback._

"_Quinn! Come here, babe…" Rachel teased with a smile. _

"_No…Rachel" Quinn said as she began circling around the living area, trying to figure out the best way to escape from Rachel's reach._

_However, it didn't matter because in the end, Rachel got her and sprayed her with whipped cream, messing up her clothes, her hair and the carpeted floor. Their laughter echoed through the apartment. _

And tears that were shed…

_It was the early hours of morning. Quinn was dreaming of the white sandy beach, warm hug of the sun and cool blue sea. She was taking it all in when she heard keys jingling. She opened her eyes and heard Rachel's silent footsteps. Clicking her phone to blindly light up, she found it to be around half past four. Rubbing her eyes, she sat up as Rachel opened the bedroom door. _

"_Sorry, did I wake you? I didn't mean to." Rachel whispered as she placed her coat on the hook behind the door._

"_It's okay. How was work?" Quinn stifled her yawn as she watched Rachel change from her scrub suit into a shirt and pyjamas._

_It took a second before Rachel replied._

"_It's fine."_

_Quinn noted how broken Rachel's voice sounded. That easily took away sleep from her thoughts._

"_Are you okay? Did something happen?" Quinn asked as Rachel approached the bed._

_With the early light peeking through the curtains, Quinn could see how red Rachel's eyes and nose were, how puffy she looked and how she avoided looking at Quinn. _

"_Nothing. I'm just tired." Rachel said as she lay down on the bed with her back towards Quinn. _

_Quinn crawled next to Rachel and kissed her shoulder._

"_Hey" Quinn said as she traced small circles on Rachel's arm, "What's wrong, Rach?"_

_At first, Rachel kept her gaze towards the distance and remained in silence. After awhile, Quinn thought it was best to just let her be. Then, Rachel shifted and faced her before bursting into tears. Quinn instinctively pulled her into her arms and placed kisses on top of her head. They stayed like that for a moment, surrounded by silence. _

"_What is it, Rach? Will you please tell me?" Quinn asked because she hated seeing Rachel cry, how she slightly shake under her hug, how the cries sounded so heartfelt and broken._

_Minutes passed and Rachel's cries eased into sobs. Quinn moved to lay on her back with Rachel's head on her chest; probably listening to her heart beat again. Still, she kept her arms around her. _

"_We lost a… little boy." Rachel spoke in a small voice._

_Hearing those words pulled Quinn's heartstrings. An image of a young boy with a bubbly smile and contagious laughter reached her mind. Quinn remained in silence, trying to chase off the images while she kept her hold on Rachel. _

And for anything, Quinn always had Rachel. That was why it was painful and horrible and hard to forget. She didn't understand why it happened, why it all had to end so unexpectedly. Then, a thought came to her head. She fumbled for her phone through the mess of papers and found it. Dialling a number she knew all too well, she waited for the person on the other end to pick up… or even maybe voicemail to be activated.

"Hello?" The voice on the other line asked and that was all Quinn needed to hear.

"Shut up and listen. I was fine. Before you even came, I was fine. Maybe I don't have a whole lot but I was content. I was fine! Do you get it? I was doing well. I could get any girl when I want to. I could break their hearts when I feel like it. I could do whatever hell I fucking want!" Quinn scoffed before continuing, emotions flooding her all at once, "Then what happened? You came and changed it all. Made everything I had all to waste. But I was fine with that. Why? Because I was taken by you! You and your chocolates eyes and your silky dark hair and your contagious smile and infectious laughter! Yes, you! YOU changed everything for me! You turned me into a gooey centred person! You made me care for others! You made me feel things! You made me love you! You changed…me."

Quinn stood up and paced the length of the living room floor.

"Then, you wanted out." Quinn let out a sob; "You tore everything you turned me into pieces. You threw everything we had away! Why? Why would you do that? Why would you do that?"

Quinn couldn't fight the tears to stop falling and her legs were failing her. She was exhausted by her emotions. Slowly, she fell to the floor, clutching her chest tightly with one arm while still holding the phone on the other.

"You ruined me…. And everything I was before. Now, I'm nothing. Nothing but a fucking shell of a person I was and used to be. All because of you. You sick and twisted psycho" Quinn laughed darkly as she wiped her tears, "I hope you burn in hell, Rachel Barbara Berry. You'll fit right in with Satan."

With that, Quinn ended the call and took deep breaths. She got up back to her feet. Without warning, she threw her phone against the wall. She watched it dissipate into small plastic fractions. Seconds ticked by and still, she was found standing there, staring at the damaged device. A certain kind of numbness permeated through her tired system.

Everything was broken. Including Quinn. Listening to her rhythmic breathing, she returned to the couch. Her case files and documents lay, abandoned on the coffee table. There was no use of it now. She was worn out emotionally and physically. She felt herself drop to the soft cushion of the couch and inhaled its vanilla-peppermint fragrance, finding solace in it.

"Thank you, Lopez." Quinn mumbled as she moved around the couch, finding a more comfortable position and feeling sleep finally claim her.

* * *

Author's note: Reviews are always welcome. Thanks for reading.


	4. Chase

k: Again, I apologise for the lengthy months I haven't updated. Things hadn't been working out for me so much but not to worry, I haven't forgotten and will continue until I finish the story. Lastly, I hope you all enjoy the chapter. Happy reading.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything.

Legend:

Italics represent the memory, flashback, past

Fine print or non-italics represent the present

* * *

Chapter 4 – Chase

Rachel laid on the unmade bed, wishing to feel the warmth of Quinn's presence but was met with sheer cold sheets. Sighing, her eyes drifted towards the window, seeing the gold light parting the curtains. Gold like the colour of Quinn's short hair. Warmth that only Quinn smile could bring. Turning her back on those reminders, she faced her digital clock with its green light. It was five-fifty nine am. Green like the shade of Quinn's eyes shimmering brightly. In haste irritation, she grabbed the clock and tossed it across the room, breaking the steel silence of the sounds of plastic breaking off. It was inescapable.

Jolting Rachel was the sound of the set alarm for six am. A groan escaped her lips and she pushed herself from the bed. It was time for work. In darkness apart from the rays of the sun snaking through the slits of the curtains, she got dressed and left the apartment.

Reaching the already busy hospital, Rachel felt breathing was easier. Maybe today could be different. She wanted to believe that so desperately. With a cup of coffee to keep her up, she was off to change into her scrubs and do her morning rounds. She wasn't usually the type to count each second passing as if she was chasing it but every now and then, she found herself looking at her watch, seeing the thin black stick move in right to left circular motion. It may have only been twenty past six but she hoped time could hurry a little. She was growing unusually impatient.

Indeed, today was different because Rachel offered her services in the clinic. She made a point to stay clear of the ER as much as she could and OR as much as she could help it. With a huge distraction sharing her attention, being in clinic duty and tending the soar throats and colds was easy enough to do. As much as she wanted to bury her mind in her work, she couldn't because of the obvious reasons. It was around thirty-six past twelve am, just in time for her lunch break where an opportunity of working in the OR presented itself.

"Hey, Berry. You're going to scrub in for my craniotomy this afternoon when you get back." Dr Paul Cane said as he handed Rachel the patient's file.

"I thought Marvin was going to scrub in for that surgery." Rachel asked, feeling ambivalent at the request.

"Wouldn't be asking you if I didn't need you, Berry."

Rachel might want to take a second to think it over if she was able to focus wholly on the one thing without feeling the drift of distraction reaching her yet who was she kidding? A craniotomy as a surgery sounded amazing and hearing that Dr Cane himself requested her was simply a nice coating on top. As a surgical doctor, how could she resist?

"Sure" The word left Rachel's lips before it registered in her mind.

A smile reached her lips as she made her way to the cafeteria. She found Calvin, Sandy, Phoebe and Marvin gathered at their table.

"You will not believe what just happened!" Rachel said with a controlled squeal.

All of them looked up and instantly, Marvin had a look of disbelief.

"Oh, come on! Not you!" Marvin claimed in exasperation.

"What? What's going on?" Phoebe asked, bright eyed and curious.

"I'm going to scrub in for Cane's craniotomy!" Rachel smiled.

"What?" Calvin asked

"No way!" Phoebe said.

"I'm so jealous of you right now!" Sandy added.

"How?" Calvin added once Rachel settled on to sit next to Phoebe.

"Ask him." Rachel nodded towards Marvin who slumped on the table, burying his face in his arms.

"Man, what did you do?" Calvin asked Marvin who sighed and faced all of them.

"I bet something stupid." Phoebe joined in, receiving a glare from Marvin.

"Or really stupid" Sandy added, noting Marvin's silence.

Sighing again, Marvin caved.

"The patient insisted he walks to get her MRI. I let him and I turn away from a second, he slipped and fell." Marvin explained.

"You idiot!" Calvin instantly called out.

"There's no haemorrhaging present, is here?" Rachel suddenly asked.

"Thank goodness, no. Cane would have killed me." Marvin said.

Lunch was a good distraction from Rachel's personal distraction. The usual chatter and banter that bounce between Calvin and Marvin as well as any juicy gossip Phoebe and Sandy have helped her ease her nerves. It rolled her a false sense of normality as if her personal life hadn't made a southern direction, as if she hadn't throw away fours years of her life with Quinn in the heat of their fight, as if she hadn't cried in her sleep, hoping to find some solace and hope. However, her distraction to her distraction was only as good for half an hour because once she stepped out of the cafeteria and she watched her friends walk their separate ways, clouds eased to hover over her clear head. She was back to running circles inside her head.

Rachel was on the clinic, continuing her shift while she was reviewed Dr Cane's patient's file when her pager beeped. Then, it was time for the craniotomy. In an instant, she ran the other way and headed straight to OR 1.

"Nice to see you, Berry." Dr Paul Cane said as he moved to wash his hands.

"Thank you, Dr Cane, for this opportunity." Rachel said as she moved to wash her hands as well.

"Well, you're more competent than Shaw and you're the star intern." Dr Cane replied as he dried his hands and passed some paper towels to Rachel.

"Thanks." Rachel replied as she dried her hands.

"This should be fun." Dr Cane said as he went into the OR through a connected door.

Rachel smiled and followed the suit. There ensued a long craniotomy operation on a cancer patient who was at stage 2. It was an operation that required steady hands, patience and careful planning. The tumour had set relatively close to the patient's Broca area's, which meant that any slight movement could cause irreparable damage in speech production. The operation lasted for almost seven hours.

Rachel knew that it was nightfall once the operation finished. Exhaustion hung heavy on her shoulders yet there was a small rush of success flooding her system because the operation seemed successful. Dr Cane managed to get to the tumour and removed it with minimal damage to the area. All they needed was for the patient to recover after the surgery and see how things go from there. None other than Dr Cane himself pulled her out from her thoughts.

"Hopefully all goes well afterwards." Dr Cane said as he stood next to Rachel behind the prep room glass window, watching the patient being wheeled away from the OR.

Rachel turned to him and smiled weakly.

"Yes, hopefully… That's all we can ask for. It's all up to him now." Rachel replied.

Dr Cane smiled as Rachel continued to stare straight ahead into the OR instead of looking back at him.

"Is everything okay, Rachel? You don't seem yourself." Dr Cane asked, causing Rachel to look at him.

It took her a second to reply.

"Yes, I'm just… tired." Rachel lamely lied but it seemed Dr Cane saw through it.

"I know I'm your attending and I probably shouldn't but… you can talk to me about it, if you want…as a friend." Dr Cane said and Rachel heard the sincerity in his voice.

Rachel saw the pools of light silver blue iris of Dr Cane's eyes as if it illuminated the light of the moon. There were evidence of his age through his greying hair but he wore it well. He might seem cold but standing there and looking at him, there was warmth. Then, that warmth reminded her the cold sheets, the empty bedside, the absence of the woman with golden short hair, sparkling green orbs and sweet smiles. Suddenly, pain began to burrow inside her chest because of the flooding memories of their fight.

"_I want to break up!" Words she never thought she'd speak of._

_The look in Quinn's face broke her heart in two. She saw beneath the green lively coloured eyes the sickening surprise, unexplained pain and known defeat. It was simply like staring to a wounded child reprimanded for standing up for herself. The sudden change in the woman stirred Rachel to explain herself as if justifying things could make it easier for her to handle. _

"_I'll come by tomorrow to get my things." Quinn's voice sounded so hollow. _

_Rachel watched Quinn grab her badge, gun and bag and walk towards the door. The two pieces of her heart were torn up into tiny small pieces, making it difficult for her to composure herself. _

"_Quinn… please." Rachel found herself pleading. _

_Yet, Quinn merely turned to look at her in disbelief and heartache._

"_Goodbye, Rachel." Her voice spoke and sounded of silent whispers and heavy air._

_The sight of the closing door gave the upper hand to gravity, causing Rachel to collapse on the floor, crying and questioning what happened and why have things come to this. _

"Thank you, Dr Cane. I'll see you tomorrow." Rachel politely replied and left the prep room, feeling the weight of her emotional turmoil took its toll on her movements.

Rachel felt her hot tears stung her eyes but wiped her subtly, never submitting to the emotion. She drew a line between her personal and work life; that was they would never meet as if they were two separate aspects embodying her entire life. Yet, as the emotions began to flood back into the surface and her guilt began to bask in her pain once more, she felt those two different circles converge into each other. Without any control to stop it, she knew she was going to break.

In urgency, Rachel rushed to get to the one place she knew she could release this bottled up emotions, to free herself of these tears and to calm her racing mind. A person who could help. She simply hoped that person hadn't left yet. Reaching for the doorknob and opening the door, she met the familiar exotic face of one Dr Santana Lopez.

"Hey" Santana said as she took notice to her office door opening but when she faced the person, she immediately reached for Rachel to envelope the woman in a tight hug and shutting her office door.

Santana manoeuvred to get them both to sit down on the nearby couch.

"Shhh…It's okay. I got you. It's okay." Santana coaxed the woman in distress as she rubbed circles in her back.

Dr Santana Lopez was the amongst the hospital's best psychologists and only roughly two years Rachel's senior. Her track record shown numerous patients and from the looks of things, she was damn good at her job.

"I'll get you some water, okay?" Santana said as she moved to let Rachel lean back on the couch and grab some water and some napkins, "Here, drink it and breath, Rachel. Breathe, okay?"

Rachel did what she was told; she drank the water and wiped her tears and took a few minutes to calm herself down.

"Better?" Santana asked and Rachel nodded, afraid to look the woman in the eye.

"Were you about to leave?" Rachel asked, trying to stir clear of the obvious subject.

"No… I was… finishing up some paperwork. I got clients wanting to reschedule and files to look over."

Rachel finally looked at Santana with a curious look.

"Divorce papers?" Rachel asked and Santana smiled for a little bit then sighed.

"You're fishing, Rachel." Santana leaned back to her couch and laughed sardonically.

The good side of it was her patience; Santana never pushed people to get information. She would wait for as long as it would need for someone to willingly open up to her. The downside of it all was that she couldn't stop being a psychologist like how Rachel couldn't act like she wasn't a surgical doctor.

"Quinn and I had a huge fight." Rachel said as she unknowingly began to find the clock on the wall fascinating after a long drawn silence.

The clock said it was ten-eighteen. Santana moved to face Rachel.

"What did you fight about?"

"She was having chest pains and I got worried. That's all." Rachel sighed heavily and ran her hands through her hair, "Chest pains. Before I knew it, we were fighting. I don't understand…how and what happened exactly. We just started fighting. She was yelling and so was I."

Santana didn't say anything, simply sat there and listened.

"Things had been like this for a while now. We fight and fight and fight and got nowhere. It doesn't make sense and I just… want to talk to her about it but I can't do it without getting in another fight. It's like there's this wall between us and I can't break it to reach her. I can't and I'm tired… tired of making up and letting her win. I'm tired of it all, Santana." Rachel said as she felt her tears fill her eyes once more and turn to face Santana, "I've been patient enough, hoping she'd open up but she doesn't. She just… pushes me away and shut me out and keeps it all in. I don't know what to do anymore… But I mean, she's my fiancée and I should be able to do something, to help…. I just don't know how."

Santana smiled weakly at Rachel.

"Have you talked to Quinn about it, Rachel? About how you're feeling?"

"I can't… Not without making a fight and her pushing me away."

"Rachel, you have to open up. You need to talk to her about this because keeping it in silence and walking on eggshells around her isn't helping you or her. You have to let her know. You can't give up a fight because it keeps her."

"Didn't you hear me? I can't have a conversation with her without fighting, Santana!" Rachel asked, as she looked baffled at Santana.

"Find a way, Rachel! Don't hold it in for her sake. You both need to confront the issues and not sweep them under the rug. Letting her win and keeping it together for her is destructive."

Rachel looked away from Santana and closed her eyes before taking a deep breath.

"I know it isn't easy. Not with what happened two years ago, Rachel. That accident changed you too. Made you confront your fear of death and reminded you of how your father died. Crippled you every day of your life. Didn't it? Every time, she goes to work, doesn't get home in time, doesn't call. You panic. You worry. You fear it'll happen again. Right?"

Rachel looked back at Santana and sighed before nodding slowly.

"So you compensate. You do everything for her. You take care of her. You love her and make a point to show it to her everyday. But has she taken care of you? Make sure your needs are met? Make sure you're okay? Did she know about the breakdown last year? The anxiety attacks you have and your hands shaking by simply hearing the high pitch flat line? The nightmares you get that it was impossible to go back to sleep? Does she know all that?"

Rachel just continued to stare back at Santana.

"You can't keep putting her first, Rachel. I know you love her but maybe have you loved her too much and loved yourself a little less? You have to be fair to yourself. Make sure she hears and listens to you for your sake… not hers. The fights aren't going to end by themselves. You've got to end it and let her know you're not going to take crap from her… not like this. Please? I hate seeing you like this."

Rachel wiped some tears that had escaped from her eyes and smiled.

"Okay."

Santana replied with a smile.

"I heard from the grapevine that you joined Dr Cane in his craniotomy today." Santana subtly changed the subject.

"Where did you hear that?" Rachel asked.

"From the grapevine"

"From…. Sandy, right?"

Santana shrugged and leaned back on the couch once more.

"Her patient needed a psych consult. So, how was it?"

Rachel felt herself beam to tell Santana the news of the operation. She recalled the events of how she was doing clinic and how Dr Cane came up to tell her of the craniotomy. Then, she went on the actual operation and whatnot inside OR1.

"Well, it seems Dr Cane has taken a shine or two on you. How times have you been under his service?"

Hearing Santana's question made a frown appear in Rachel's face.

"Now, who's_ fishing_?" Rachel asked as she eyed Santana.

Santana laughed.

"Okay… fine but be warned." Santana replied, making Rachel shook her head in disbelief.

After a minute or two, it was Santana's turn to open up.

"Yes, it's the divorce papers." Santana said in quiet voice.

Rachel shifted to face Santana.

"You know the feeling of wanting something so desperately for a long time and when you finally have it, you don't feel happy or content. You just feel crap. You know that feeling?" Santana added and Rachel nodded with a smile playing on the edges of her lips.

"Yes."

"That's how I feel. I'm not relieved or happy or excited when I received them today. It felt more like a slap on my face."

Santana looked at Rachel with a tired expression.

"Well, Santana… you're married to him for almost four years and you love him. It's not going to be easy to move on from that."

"I know… but I thought I wouldn't feel something about it… Then, I began to feel like crap. He was the one who went off and cheated on me and got the damn fucking woman pregnant!" Santana's fists tightened and her voice began to quiver, "That… fucking bastard!"

"It'll take time. It's going to be fine. You're going to be fine."

Rachel reached for Santana's hands and coaxed the woman. Then, she looked up at the clock and saw it was quarter past eleven.

"Hey, I've got to go check up on the patient." Rachel said as she stood up and Santana composed herself.

"Sure. I probably go head home." Santana said as she grabbed her stuff including the divorced papers.

Rachel smiled.

"It's going to be okay, Santana. You're going to be fine." Rachel said as she gave Santana hug.

"Oh… Thanks and you too, Rachel." Santana replied then she watched Rachel walk out of her office.

Rachel sighed and took a deep breath before heading towards her patient. It wasn't a long way away or was it a short distance nevertheless, she walked the silent corridors of the hospital, feeling more hopeful and clear-headed compared to how she felt when she woke up that day. When she reached the patient, his vital signs looked steady and promising. All the while, she felt the toll of exhaustion on her body. Working at least thirty hour shift had its downside, especially now.

"Page me when his vitals fluctuate." Rachel said to the nurse at the station before heading towards the on-call room.

Feeling her body drop on the cool sheets of the bed, Rachel's eyes easily came to a close yet her mind decided that despite the exhaustion sleep wouldn't come. She tossed and turned and tried to find a comfortable position until by each second passing, sleep was making its advance on her. She was drifting…though still half awake, her mind moved to welcome the unconsciousness. The vivid images of another place, another time, another world. It slowly came in small flashes and she kept chasing them. What came next shook her awake and pushed her heart to race.

It was her phone ringing and Rachel saw it; Quinn was calling. Relief came in as her heart began to move in its normal pace. A smile reached her lips as she picked it up.

"Hello?" Rachel asked.

Yet, just like the sickening surprise it gave her, what she heard not only wiped the smile off her lips but also crushed her heart once more.

"Shut up and listen. I was fine. Before you even came, I was fine. Maybe I don't have a whole lot but I was content. I was fine! Do you get it? I was doing well. I could get any girl when I want to. I could break their hearts when I feel like it. I could do whatever hell I fucking want!"

Rachel heard Quinn scoffed.

"Then what happened? You came and changed it all. Made everything I had all to waste. But I was fine with that. Why? Because I was taken by you! You and your chocolates eyes and your silky dark hair and your contagious smile and infectious laughter! Yes, you! YOU changed everything for me! You turned me into a gooey centred person! You made me care for others! You made me feel things! You made me love you! You changed…me."

"Then, you wanted out."

Rachel heard her cries.

"You tore everything you turned me into pieces. You threw everything we had away! Why? Why would you do that? Why would you do that?"

Rachel heard a thud then silence. Her heart stopped for a second, fearing something had happened to her. However, when she heard her voice once more, no relief came to her.

"You ruined me…. And everything I was before. Now, I'm nothing. Nothing but a fucking shell of a person I was and used to be. All because of you. You sick and twisted psycho."

Quinn laughed.

"I hope you burn in hell, Rachel Barbara Berry. You'll fit right in with Satan."

Then, the line went dead and tears came pouring. Rachel curled into a ball and hugged herself. The silence became her foe instead of friend, recalling the words Quinn spoke so carelessly and ruthlessly as if she was another person. Sleep became impossible, not with all the emotions swimming in the sea of her inner turmoil. She felt anger sneak in but its grip was weak. In the lack of any comfort, she found herself at loss of what to do but cry in a foetal position on the bed. Gone was the line she drew of work life and personal life. Gone was her control of keeping her emotions in check. She could hardly care if anyone had walked into the room.

At that moment, Rachel was a child. A girl who had lost something she valued the most; her heart. With each gasp of air, with each tear forming from her eyes, she knew her heart die bit by bit by each second. Struggling to keep herself calm and conscious, words from various conversations in the past spoken by a series of voices came to her hearing as if they all point towards Quinn.

"_I told you never to do that, Rachel! Why do you never learn?"_ Her Daddy's voice yelled in anger.

Calvin's voice came next.

"_Why do you do this to yourself, Berry?" _

Phoebe's voice followed.

"_You should run away instead of running towards it."_

Then, Marvin's…

"_It's never going to change, Rachel. Never. Just leave it alone."_

Then, Sandy's…

"_If I were you, I'd find someone else…. Someone who can make me happy."_

Then, Karen's…

"_People don't change, Rachel, just their appearances." _

Then, Santana's…

"_You can't keep putting her first"_

And finally, her Dad's…

"_I know you love her to bits, sweetheart but you have to let her go."_

Soon, Rachel fell into a dark slumber, hoping to chase the pain and its painful reminders. That was until her alarm in her watch beeped and shoved her back to reality. Dragging tired eyes to open, she squinted at the light the digital watch had. It was quarter to six in the morning. Still feeling tired, she pushed herself up and cleared sleep from her system but not the memories of the night. She just wanted to get through the day.

After getting cleaned up and with a cup of strong coffee in hand, Rachel began her rounds. She checked each patient's vital signs and found them to be in good terms. Then, she passed by a room with a couple inside. A man and a woman not far from her age were holding hands in their sleep. The woman was the patient. There were flowers, balloons and cards displayed on the side table. The sight drew a scowl in Rachel's face. This was **not** how she wanted to start her day. Feeling anger boil and brew inside her, she pushed forward, hoping some poor soul had gotten worse so she had something to do.

Then, someone did. The craniotomy patient showed surprising speech difficulties when he woke up and his wife was sending profanities and anger towards her and the nurses.

"You! You did this to my husband! You little shits good for nothing!" The wife said.

Rachel ignored the woman and examined the patient who was confused by what was happening. The nurses tried to calm the woman down but she wasn't backing down.

"Page Cane and get her out!" Rachel yelled as she finished examining the patient and grabbed the chart.

When Dr Cane finally came, the wife of the patient had calmed down but was spiteful towards them.

"I'm suing you and this hospital. Don't think I won't." The wife warned.

"Ma'am, I apologise for the complications but it is a major surgery and there are side effects of it. However, I promise to do the best I can and give him the best care for your husband. In the meantime, I'll have to do some tests to see the problem and find a solution. There is no need for any hostility." Dr Cane explained.

Rachel remained quiet, as her urge to punch and berate the woman was tempting as any offer there was. She followed Dr Cane out of the room.

"Send him up for MRI and page me when the scan is up. I want to see if there's some bleeding." Dr Cane said.

"Did you know she harassed the nurses and me? We can countersue her." Rachel said.

"Yes, one of the nurses mentioned it in passing but right now, he is a priority." Dr Cane said as he handed back the patient chart.

"And she's just panicking, Rachel. She doesn't mean it. He's probably the only person she has." Dr Cane added before walking away.

Yet, Rachel was set in a foul mood that nothing could make her feel better. Getting the man in the MRI was easy but things began to feel a little déjà vu once the man felt the need to talk.

"I'm so…soy…sorry about my whee…white…wife, kid. She's…is...its… cray…crazy like that." The man said.

"That's okay, Mr Winston. Just keep still. Won't be too long now." Rachel said.

"Shhh…Ssshhh…She…She's joust…jou…just s..s…s…scale…scared, you…now…know." Mr Winston added.

Her level of annoyance was reaching the tip.

"I know." Rachel replied.

"She's not…not…not use...used…used to this, ta…ta…taking care of …m…m…me. I'm…I'm…I'm… usually do…do…doing that…hat…hat for her and…hand…hand…s… she fi…finds it…ha…hair…hard to…to…two…die…de… deal whip…whif…with …hmm…him…my brain cancer. This…is…It's …nut…naught…not …bad…hat…that sssss….ssshhh….she n….ned…needs hall…fall…all the care. She can…can…can duit…twit…it on her own…jest…joust…just fine but…but…but I jest…just whale…wane…want to…two duit…do it bees…bee..beak…house ssss…shhhh…she's lick…like hat, you now." Mr Winston explained.

Rachel gripped her fists tightly and took a deep breath in controlling her annoyance.

"I really need you to stop talking, Mr Winston and keep still. Just a few more minutes longer." Rachel added as she focused on the images on the screen.

As soon as the whole image came to the screen, Rachel paged Dr Cane. Then, they moved to explain to his wife her husband's condition.

"That's what's making his speech difficulties. A little bleeding pressing on his brain." Dr Cane explained.

"Will you be able to fix it?" The wife asked.

"Yes, we can relieve the bleeding easy. It'll be a minor procedure and if all goes well from there, maybe tomorrow you can leave." Dr Cane added.

The wife whom Rachel had seen as a spastic woman with anger issues became a soft sobbing concerned woman.

"Aw… thank you. Thank you… Thank you… So he will be alright?" The wife asked.

"Yes, he will be. I'll schedule him this afternoon and we'll keep him overnight as a precaution. We don't want any more surprises. With luck, by tomorrow he'll be okay." Dr Cane smiled.

"Thank you… Thank you… so much… Thank you, doctor." The wife said with tears and smiles.

Dr Cane nodded and left the room as Rachel followed in suit.

"I told you, she just panicked." Dr Cane said, making Rachel look at him.

Rachel smiled a little, causing a Dr Cane to grin smugly.

"Fine… Fine… so she panicked." Rachel said.

However, with the afternoon's procedure, something went incredibly wrong. Vitals were fluctuating and the bleeding wouldn't stop. Dr Cane and Rachel kept fighting, chasing the life that was soon leaving Mr Winston until there was nothing else but the ear-piercing sound of flat lining.

"Time of death, 5.42 pm." Dr Cane called out in the electrifying silence surrounding the OR before leaving.

Rachel stood there with her bloodied gloves when it dawned on her. It had always been a chase; a race; a battle. It didn't matter what the circumstances were because it would end in the same way it started. Words that were used to convey such lovely and heart-warming emotions became weapons of degradation and anger. Looks that displayed unexplained passion soon waned into cold empty glares or burning flames of anger within. Touches that once expressed desires, now delivered pain. It was a cycle where she continuously chased after her own tail, only to expect a different result.

* * *

Author's note: Thanks for reading and let me know what you think of this chapter.


	5. Fear

k: Hey, readers, I hope this chapter clears up some confusion in Quinn's part and stuff. Hopefully you all like it and thanks again for taking the time to read my works.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything.

Legend:

Italics represent the memory, flashback, past

Fine print or non-italics represent the present

* * *

Chapter 5 – Fear

_Quinn was back home; back to the house she grew up in. To where everything began and ended. Nostalgia reached her sooner than she thought as she felt a familiar smile on her lips. The memories of every bad day, good day and days that were in between came in flashes. It even felt like she never left. Nothing changed, not from where she could see. _

_The flowerbed on the front porch bloomed beautifully with colours livelier than the next. The mailbox with its bold scratches from accidents and mishaps still stood steadily at its spot. The pathway leading up to the front porch with the occasional weed growing here and there urged her to recall the times she had walked up and down on it. The front porch with its worn out swing on the left and soft couches on the right rose a memory of one afternoon._

_There wasn't much to do. It was in the middle of the holidays but for Quinn and Lily, it had felt like years went by. Quinn, who was fourteen at the time, was trying to capture the flowerbed and all its colours through sketching. Her mother sat on the couch, reading a book from their bookshelf. Lily, who was about four, was fast asleep on her lap. There was an occasional glance here and there from her mother, possibly admiring her work._

"_It's good, Lucy. You're very good." Her mother commented while running her hands through the short curls of Lily's golden hair._

"_It's not finished yet, Mum and you said you weren't going to look. It's a surprise." Quinn replied back as she furrowed her brows while continuing with her artwork._

"_I'm sorry but I can't help it. You're really good." Mum added as she returned to her book._

_Then, a cab stopped in front of house, stealing her and her mother's attention. They couldn't believe their eyes._

"_Oh, god." Her mother exclaimed as Quinn quickly moved to wake Lily up._

"_Lil, wake up! Wake up! Dad's home!" Quinn squealed as Lily rubbed her eyes and found herself dazed for a second before registering what her big sister had said._

"_What?" Lily asked with her bright blue eyes sparkling._

_Then, Quinn held Lily's hand before rushing to reach her father who had paid the cab driver and wave to it goodbye. _

"_How are my girls, huh? Been good while I was away? Miss me?" Her dad asked as he picked up Lily in his arms and kissed Quin on the top of her head._

"_I miss you, Daddy!" Lily kissed his cheek._

_Quinn only replied with a genuine smile before hugging him tighter._

"_Why didn't you call to tell us you were coming?" Her mum asked._

"_It's supposed to be a surprise." Her dad replied before kissing his wife._

_It was a simple thing but it was unforgettable. Those moments that would always remain with Quinn forever. Before she even knew it, she stood in front of the front door. Her hand hovered over the doorknob she had held millions of times before. She was home. The idea seemed to surprise her and had caused a few knots in her insides to rise. Then, she realised upon opening the door that the door was unlocked and before long, she was inside._

_Everything was still in its place. The wooden floorboards. The brown coloured couches. The coat hanger in shape of a tree. The archways that led into different rooms. On the right, there Quinn could see the grand piano, framed certificates on the wall, the shelf that kept all the trophies, an old worn out bookshelf ready to give anytime, a set of leather brown couches, everything that room stood for. Her father's study was further back but she could make out the edges of the right side of his desk. Although her father's study only took up a quarter of the space of the entire room, the entire room was called his study, mainly because that was where he would entertain his guests and where he was usually found. _

_The opposite room was where Quinn found the TV set with its home speakers, picture frames displayed on each cupboard, soft microfiber brown couches with blankets thrown on them, a small coffee table in the middle and underneath that was a basket filled with magazines. There was some decorative pieces as well; paintings of sorts (including her's, Lily's and other people's) and side table here and there with lamps and vases of flowers. What made her grin the most was the usual clutter found in it such as jumpers or sweaters, books, receipts, shoes, socks, scarfs and other things. It was the family room and that was how she remembered it. _

_However, it was a strange thing as if suddenly stepping into a pothole and feeling the surprising drop when Quinn felt something other than nostalgia. Though it was just a feeling or as her mum would put it, a spot of bother, it rattled her. Like an itch cleverly left to be scratched, she did what she usually does when she would walk into a crime scene; a deep breath and closing her eyes for a second before opening them. _

_Little did Quinn realised that developing this routine would set her down a path she longed to forget. In an instant, she knew something was wrong. The air inside the house was cold and when she looked at the windows, they were shut tight. Walking further, she smelled something… something she recognised as blood. A scent she became familiar with once she began working as a homicide detective. Then, fear came to her with open arms like an old friend. Her heart stilled for a second before she ran towards the kitchen where she was sure she could see the pool of blood._

_There they were. Her father and her sister. Lying in the pools of their blood. Lifeless and unmoving. Without thought, Quinn rushed to them, clinging tightly to their bodies as if the contact would reset the situation. Yet it didn't. Her cries echoed and roared through the piercing silence… until she heard a creak. Instantly, she looked up and came face-to-face with a stranger almost twice her size. A middle-aged man, smiled maliciously at her, yielding a bloodied kitchen knife. _

"_Why can't you save them?" The man asked before stepping forward and taking a swing at her. _

_Out of panic, Quinn looked away and raised her arms up for defence. The impact threw her to the ground and the pain of the new cut throbbed. However, when she opened her eyes, she was no longer on the floor of her home. She was inside an upside down police car at a highway.__The sounds she was hearing were sounds of cries for help, burning fire and distant wailing of the ambulance. Shards of glass were pricking into and sticking out of her body and she was beginning to feel dizzy._

_Slowly, Quinn forced herself to crawl towards the window. With a lot of kicking, she managed to clear any shards left. However, a shard pushed itself deeper into her back as she tried to move. She took a breath before biting her lower lip and gripped the edges of the car to push herself out despite the pain becoming unbearable. Lost in her pursuit to freedom, she almost ignored the helpless cries of a young boy. _

"_Help! Mummy! Help! Please! Anyone!" The boy called out in desperation._

_With her top half out of the car, Quinn managed to wiggle left and right to find the boy and she did. She found him but he was helpless as she was. He looked no older than eighteen but not younger than ten. _

"_Please! Anybody! Help!" The boy continued to cry out, not knowing that his cries only strengthen Quinn's resolve in getting herself out of the car._

"_Hey, kid! I'm here… okay? I'm here!" Quinn replied back as she gritted her teeth, struggling to free her lower half from the vehicle yet it was to no avail._

_With her strength failing her and dealing with blood loss, Quinn felt her body gave in. _

_Lying there on the rough concrete amidst the shards of glass and blood, she took a deep breath._

"_Hey! I'm here! Help! Please!" _

_Quinn breathed in painful gasps and pushed her limits of pain farther than she imagined. She stretched out her right hand towards the boy, who was no more than an arm's length away. The boy was lying on the concrete and trapped inside the vehicle he was in, just like her. However the sight of his pooling blood resurfaced the fear she felt on the night she dreaded. Forcing her eyes away from the blood but towards the boy's frightened face, she tried to push fear away._

"_It's okay, kid…" Quinn reached for the kid's hand, bitting back the enormous pain radiating from her lower back, "Hold my hand, I'll get you out." _

_The boy, who had blue iris and golden blonde hair, looked at her and pushed to grab a hold of her hand. The contact brought fire back into Quinn's spirit._

"_I'm Quinn. What's your name?" _

"_Seth" _

"_Okay, Seth, I know you're in a lot of pain right now but I need to know if you can move." _

"_Yes" Seth replied after a second._

_Then, sounds of gunfire crackled through the air. Seth panicked and loosened his grip but Quinn only tightened her hold._

"_It's okay, Seth. You're going to be fine! Just don't let go!"_

"_Promise to you won't let me die?"_

_Quinn looked into the Seth's eyes and for a second, she swore she saw Lily and that made it even more personal._

"_Yes, I promise" Quinn said in determination as she gripped the boy's hand tightly._

_However, a sight of one man in an orange jumpsuit somehow stirred those fires into bright orange flames of anger. He was Fred Thompson, the serial psycho killer who enjoyed torturing his victims into submission to death. She was part of team that helped chase him down and she was asked to escort the unit that will move him into a maximum-security prison. Yet, Thompson managed to cause such immeasurable pain, causing cars to swerve and hit and crash into each other like dominos falling. _

"_Hello, Detective." Thompson said with a smile as big as the Cheshire cat._

"_You son of a bitch!" Quinn couldn't hold her tongue as her anger ruled her. _

"_Whoa, detective! Watch your foul mouth! We have a child present!" Thompson said as he approached the boy._

"_Don't you dare touch him, Thompson!" Quinn yelled as a warning._

_Thompson looked at Quinn with a thoughtful smile then he looked at her then at the boy._

"_Holy smokes, aren't you a pair or two?" _

"_You aren't going to get away with this, Thompson!" _

_Thompson laughed loudly before sighing. _

"_Get away with this? Have you taken a look around, detective? Can you hear it? All the pain and suffering?" Thompson pointed a gun towards Quinn, "Can you feel it?"_

_Quinn gritted her teeth and tried to hold on to Seth's hand but it was difficult especially when Seth kept trying to yank his hand back. _

"_You think you're going to save them but you don't understand their pain. You don't because you live a privileged life, detective. You don't know what they know and you didn't walk on their shoes and you didn't see what they see. You just don't." Thompson explained as he let the end of the gun touch Quinn's forehead. _

"_I put away monsters like you away. That's what I can do to keep them safe." Quinn replied through gritted teeth as fear flooded her system._

_Thompson lowered his head towards Quinn where it was inches away. _

"_I'm not the monster, detective. I'm just helping them with their misery. Why can't you see that?" _

"_Because you kill innocent people" _

"_No, you like the thought of me being the monster so you can be the hero. Why? Because it makes sense, perfect sense, actually."_

_Next thing Quinn knew in the next few seconds was her heart beating much faster and her mind reeling on the moments she had with her family, friends and Rachel. The gunshot jolted her back into the reality and when she turned, she saw Seth's lifeless body. _

"_You can't save anyone. You never could, Fabray."_

That was when she felt a hand on her shoulder and she jolt awake. Acting on instinct, she threw a punch straight up, hitting someone in the process.

"OW! What the fuck!" Karen's voice brought back reality in Quinn's mind; that she was in Karen's place and she was okay and it was all a dream.

"Oh, shit! I'm sorry… I'm so sorry." Quinn said as she reached for Karen who moved away from her and towards the kitchen.

Quinn followed in silence, berating herself as well as trying to calm her raging heart and uneven breathing. It was mostly to her defence. She wasn't a violent person, only when threatened and she was… by a dream. She watched Karen open her fridge and grab the ice blocks. Her slight hangover fell in the back of her mind, knowing what she did.

"Let me help." Quinn said in an apologetic voice.

"No! Just…stay there!" Karen said firmly without facing her while wrapping some ice in a dishtowel to place over her left eye.

"Karen, I am so sorry. I didn't mean it. I'm sorry." Quinn added as she slowly approached Karen, who slowly moved away from her, "I'm sorry. It was… I'm sorry."

"It's okay." Karen swallowed as she looked at everything in her kitchen expect for Quinn, "You should get ready… get dressed, I mean. Your boy, Campbell, got something."

"Okay" Was all the response Quinn could say because she remembered the last time Karen was like this.

_Quinn was dropping by Karen's place when she found the woman standing in the corner of her kitchen, clutching a dishtowel filled with ice over her bruised cheek. _

"_What happened to you? Are you okay? Who did this?" Quinn began asking questions as she rushed to Karen's side._

_Yet Quinn was caught in surprise as how easily Karen slipped away from her reach._

"_Karen?" Quinn called out in confusion and concern._

"_No…don't move! Just… just stay there! Don't… don't come closer, please." Karen replied sternly as she kept her eyes on the floor and avoided facing Quinn directly._

"_What happened?" Quinn asked again. _

_Karen didn't speak much less move from her position. She just stood there, eyes fixated on the floor. Quinn could tell she was scared. _

Just like then, Karen was scared right now. Mostly she looked hurt but Quinn knew better, the woman was terrified and possibly confused. Though it was unintentional, Karen didn't take being hit lightly by people she cared about. It would be different if it was a stranger or if she were threatened, the woman would fight back and would go down swinging if she had to.

"I'm sorry." Quinn could only offer up her apologies. What else could she say?

"Get dressed, we got work." Karen said before moving away from Quinn and towards her room, locking it in the process.

Hitting Karen was equivalent to hitting a child. Moving away, fearing any contact afterwards would result in getting hit again. Though, the analogy seemed strange comparing Karen to a child, Quinn understood the sentiment behind it. How could she blame Karen for acting that way? However, just as she decided to wallow on what she did, she remembered what Karen said.

"_Your boy, Campbell, got something." _

There was work to be done and a perpetrator to be caught. From there, Quinn took a sigh and grabbed her bag near the couch. She approached the closed door and knocked on it three times.

"Karen, I need to change." Quinn said, half expecting Karen to be unresponsive; she usually got that away.

Surprising Quinn was Karen unlocked the door and let her in. The woman was wearing fresh clothes now but her eye didn't look better. Though it wasn't swollen, it was definitely bruised. Of course, she was trying not to wallow.

"What did Campbell found out?" Quinn asked as she went straight for the shower but didn't fully close the door for their conversation purposes.

A smile crept on Quinn when she saw Karen facing the opposite direction at all times as she move around her room.

"His info confirmed that third party involved. Mrs Fowler's credit shows it." Karen replied as she put on her boots.

"Mrs Fowler's credit record?" Quinn unzipped her bag and began looking for fresh clean clothes, sniffing each piece of clothing in the process.

"Apparently, she bought a phone. "

"Right. Maybe it was a gift for her kid, you know… A birthday present for the kid of this generation."

"Nope. He checked. Amir has different phone and it's not the one in the evidence log."

"Is he sure its related to the case and not just another purchase?"

"I thought of that too but why would she buy a 2007 Motorola Razr phone when she have an Iphone? Why? I dug a little deeper and found that a week after buying the phone did she made her first drug deal exchange."

"And where did you get that info from?"

"The book she had with her, the one with all the details of her drug deals."

"You could've called."

Karen was fiddling with her shoes from what Quinn could see and without another word, left the room. Quinn moved on towards getting herself cleaned up. Once she stepped into the shower and turned on the faucet, the lukewarm water hit her in ease. It was calming as if the waters were loosening the tension in her system, unwrinkling the knots in her muscles and clearing her clouded mind. Soon, after that, she picked the cleanest clothes she had and got herself dressed.

Stepping out of the shower, Quinn felt better and her hangover simply became a dull headache. What called her attention the most was the aroma of coffee from the kitchen. She stepped out of the room, drying her hair with a towel and inhaling the smell of caffeine.

"Thanks." Quinn said as Karen handed her a mug.

At first, it was silence enveloping them while savouring the taste of their coffees until Karen noticed Quinn's phone on the floor, cracked, and her wall with a dent on it.

"What happened with my wall?" Karen asked as she placed her coffee down and approached the scene; Quinn quickly on her tail, "Faberry?"

Hearing the change of tone in Karen's voice, Quinn was certain she could see in her mind's eye how outraged Karen was on the inside.

"I'm sorry. It was an accident. I was drunk." Quinn began to explain herself as Karen eyed the dent on the wall with calculating eyes, "Don't worry, I'll get it fixed."

After taking a deep breath, Karen moved towards the kitchen and downed her coffee.

"You better fix it or I won't get my security deposit." Karen said as she placed her mug in the sink and snuck off to her room.

That was twice now, though Karen didn't lock it this time. Quinn crouched and picked up her phone. Despite missing bits and pieces, it lit up to life when she pressed the power button. There, she found the missed calls from Karen then when she clicked her call logs, her heart dropped in ice. It was time stamped just after midnight; a call to one Rachel Berry.

Quinn took a deep breath as she felt her heart began to pick up its pace. She tried to remember what had happened last night but the most she could get were flashes of blurred memories of drunkenly going through the case files.

"Come on, come on, come on. Think. Quinn… Think." Quinn mumbled to herself as she moved to sit back down on the couch and go through her case files yet nothing came up; nothing out of the ordinary.

Feeling her headache grow in strength, Quinn stacked the case files in an orderly fashion before placing it in her bag. Her worries of what her phone call to Rachel still lingered in her mind. Yet time wasn't kind to her. Not in her line of work.

"I'm driving and we're leaving in five minutes." Karen said, as she was about to reach out her hand for Quinn's keys.

When Karen said she was going in five minutes, she meant it. Quinn handed her keys over to her. In haste, she dried her hair and finished her coffee and got herself ready.

For now, Quinn focused back on her case… on what she know about the case while pushing her gnawing concerns about her drunk phone call to Rachel in the back of her mind. Maybe it was nothing. Maybe… she hoped on maybe. In cue, Karen stepped out of her room and the two detectives left the place to start another day.

That day may have begun with a missing phone but it escalated in finding two dealers loitering around Mr Doyle's place. Quinn's boys, Det. Josh Campbell and Det. Clark Flannigan brought two guys for interrogation, not focusing so much on the missing phone.

"Paulo 'Pico' Martinez and Anghelo Salvacion." Det. Josh Campbell said with pride as he handed the files to Quinn.

"They're a regular at Carmella's Sixes. Just a couple of drug dealers and lowly sharks." Det. Clark Flannigan added.

Quinn merely nodded at the two.

"Just a couple of dealers and lowly sharks?" Karen asked.

As much as Quinn knew that the investigation from the beginning was shared between Homicide and Narcotics, she knew that it'd be a long excruciating pissing match between the two authorities, especially with its cops. While Det. Campbell and Flannigan were harmless couple of average-minded male detectives, Karen had a run-in with both them, creating a rift and friction between them. The woman had that ability to cause trouble when it wasn't necessary.

"What's that suppose to mean?" Det. Campbell asked.

"Those drug dealers used to run for Dominic Diego, Double D. The late son to one Roberto Diego." Karen replied curtly.

Quinn could see without looking up that evidence of surprise and scowl in Det. Campbell and Flannigan's faces.

"That's not in here. Where'd you get that information?" Quinn asked when she finally looked at Karen.

"Feelers and our CI's. Since Dominic Diego passed, those thugs had joined up the Guadalupe; another Mexican gang." Karen replied.

"You mean you got it from one of your undercover workouts?" Det. Flannigan spoke.

Karen kept her silence. It wasn't so much as a big secret that Karen became an undercover cop posing as a sultry escort working in the infamous Nine Flushes, a club where Claremont Montgomery also known as Monty Cobra own and run; an Irish mafia boss who had a lot of hands in high places. She worked on chasing a tail leading up to him but her info in one of her insiders failed to comply with the case, causing her to be the butt of every joke. She had him once but someone lower than Monty Cobra took the fall; it was Henry Given.

"Play nice." Quinn warned to all of them.

"We need to figure out who's the weakest link. As far as I know one of them is going to give because those two aren't particularly fond of each other." Karen added.

"How'd you know that? Have you been there and_ done_ them?" Det. Campbell asked as he looked pointedly at Karen.

Karen looked back at Campbell strikingly.

"Let's just say that doing the deed with someone's sister, creating a bun in the oven and leaving her to dry doesn't paint a pretty picture." Karen explained, ignoring the jab concerning her record of myriad sexual partners including other guys in the force and guys on the other side of the law.

"Good. Now, let's find how's the father and his brother-in-law." Quinn explained as she moved towards the interrogation room, "You're with me, Campbell. We're taking this Anghelo guy. "

Quinn handed the Paulo Martinez's file to Det. Flannigan.

"You two take Pico." Quinn said.

"Sure." Det. Flannigan replied as he took the file before smiling towards Karen,

"I'll take the lead. Make sure you keep it in your pants… and shirt on, yes?"

Quinn watched Karen gritted her teeth and took a sharp breath before walking into the room. Det. Flannigan laughed before following her. She did the same with Det. Campbell as they all began sifting through the truths from the lies. For the first hour or so, neither of the thugs was wiling to spill out anything and Quinn's hangover was returning in strength through a headache.

"You don't want to say anything, fine but when I come back, you will say something." Quinn warned the man sitting quite comfortably before leaving the room with Campbell on her tail.

"What do we do?" Campbell asked.

Quinn heard the door opening and closing and turned to see Karen walking up to them with Flannigan close by. She also noted that Karen's eye, the one she hit from this morning, developed a dark purple ring surrounding the eye. She must have hit her harder than she thought for her to get a black eye out of it.

"Our guy isn't talking and it's pissing me off." Flannigan ranted.

"Yeah, our guy won't either…" Campbell added.

"What's our game plan now?"

Quinn noticed that Karen was quiet for a moment then she watched something flash in her eyes.

"What is it?" Quinn couldn't hold Karen's silence.

"Wait… let me confirm it, first." Karen said before taking out her phone and moving from them.

"10 bucks says she got her eye bruised by giving someone head." Flannigan said.

"Deal… but I put my money on rough sex." Campbell said.

Quinn turned and fiercely glared the two men.

"Come on, Fabray… She get it that we're joking around." Campbell replied in defence.

"I don't care, Campbell. I will desk both of you if you don't fucking stop." Quinn's patience went out when her head began throbbing from the inside.

Karen came back and sighed.

"We can use the shipment to get them to talk. There's a shipment of coke for Guadalupe coming in next week. It's worth half a mill." Karen explained.

"And that's viable information?" Campbell asked.

"Yes, trust me… It'll get one of them to talk." Karen added.

The information Karen gave did the work. One of them talked; it was Anghelo. Apparently, they were tipped off to watch Mr Doyle by "Turo" also known as Arthuro Himenes; an excon working for one Robert Diego.

"Everything leads back to him." Campbell said as he stood in front of the murder board after putting Pico and Anghelo in their lock up.

"Insanely it does." Quinn added as she rubbed her temple.

"It must mean something." Flannigan joined the conversation.

"Don't they always?" Quinn closed her eyes and rubbed both of her temples.

"You okay, Fabray?" Campbell asked as he noticed her.

Quinn opened her eyes and leaned back on her chair.

"Yes, just a headache… and this case… It doesn't make sense. I mean, we get two dealers of no connection except for this third party who is still unknown and then we get these dealers eyeing one of our victim's relative? Not to mention a mobster is somehow involved too. It just seems thrown around." Quinn explained.

Flannigan and Campbell both nodded.

"You're right, it doesn't make sense." Campbell added.

"What doesn't make sense?" Karen asked as she came back into the bullpen from one of her smoking breaks, watching all three detectives eye the murder board.

"The case." Flannigan replied as he looked at her.

"No, it's not… It's about the money. When we find it, we catch the killer. Close the case." Karen explained as she slipped her hands into her pockets and took out a packet of mints.

Quinn watched Karen eat about three mints and look back at the murder board. It didn't seem that easy despite Karen saying it was. Then, she felt her phone inside her pants pocket and remembered her drunken phone call.

"Find the missing phone. I'll be back." Quinn said as she stood up and walked away from them.

Quinn felt her breathing fasten and her heart rhythm pick up its pace as she dialled Rachel's number.

_Hey, it's Rachel. I can't come to my phone right now. Leave me a message and I'll get back to you._

Quinn closed her eyes and pulled her phone away from her ear. She took a deep breath and swallowed hard. She dialled the number again.

_Hey, it's Rachel. I can't come to my phone right now. Leave me a message and I'll get back to you._

And again…

_Hey, it's Rachel. I can't come to my phone right now. Leave me a message and I'll get back to you._

And again…

_Hey, it's Rachel. I can't come to my phone right now. Leave me a message and I'll get to you._

And again…

_Hey, it's Rachel. I can't come to my phone right now. Leave me a message and I'll get back to you._

"Fuck, come on, Rach" Quinn whispered her to herself as frustration began to settle in her, "Please… pick up"

_Hey, it's Rachel. I can't come to my phone right now. Leave me a message and I'll get back to you._

Quinn gripped her phone tightly as she rubbed her forehead. Taking another deep breath to calm her down, she stared at the floor in silence and just as the memories of their fight resurfaced on her mind once more, she shook herself off it. She couldn't deal with that right now. Now, she needed to focus on work. Work where two dead bodies needed answers and three motherless kids. Without her control, she was reminded of a painful memory.

_Everything hurt and it was hard to breath. Quinn couldn't see anything clearly; there were so many bright lights and blue colour swarming her vision. She noticed some IV tubes and felt a prick of a needle. Her mouth felt dry and pressure pressing on her body. Distant sounds reached her hearing but she couldn't make sense of it all until… when she turned her head on the right and saw Rachel. Despite being weak, the sight of Rachel distraught, bloodstained and shaking roared something in her, clearing the all her senses and waking her up to consciousness. _

"_Come back to me, please, babe? I love you!" Rachel's cried pierced Quinn's fatigued heart. _

_Quinn felt Rachel's vice grip on her hand._

"_Her heart is steady but weak." A voice spoke in the background. _

"_Don't leave me, Quinn. Please… babe, don't." Rachel whispered breathlessly as she placed kisses on her hand._

"_We need to get her to the OR right now." Another spoke._

_Quinn wanted desperately to comfort Rachel, to say the words of assurance, to tell the woman she loved her in a way she didn't think she was capable of, to promise that she would never leave. However, in that instant and possibly from the pain and blood loss, she was sure she heard a voice; a voice she knew she couldn't possibly hear anymore._

"_Come, Lucy… Come on with me, dear." Her deceased father's voice spoke, "Everything's going to be fine. Take my hand."_

"_Rachel, Rachel… you need to let her go. She's bleeding out badly. Atherton, take her away." Another voice spoke._

_At the same time, Quinn saw something shiny in front of Rachel, who seemed to be ignoring the busy world surrounding them._

"_Marry me, Quinn" Rachel asked._

_Quinn looked between Rachel and the sight of her father smiling with an outstretched hand in the background._

"_I will." Quinn heard her voice say but she was not sure to whom she was responding to._

Quinn closed her eyes once more to run away from the memory and focus on the case. She put her phone back in her pocket once more, taking a mental note to ring Rachel later. Then, she felt the gold ring around her finger. She had been wearing it, since the incident happened, for two years. Anyone would have thought she would be used to it by now. Others imagine it to be a good thing.

Yet, deep within the recesses of her mind, Quinn couldn't help but feel fear. The sight of that gold band holding on to her unsettled and twisted her insides. Though, she couldn't place this unwanted emotions, she felt and knew it was _**wrong**_ or at least some part of her did. Her keen awareness of the ring elevated her anxiety and her instinct to run became a conscious temptation. She might have fooled others but the truth of her struggles in being tied down was unmissable to Karen from the beginning.

"_She's not your typical fling, Quinn. She's a rarity, the type to set down roots with. The kind of person others look for the rest of their lives. I hope you don't do anything stupid to throw what you have with her away. She's special and you're incredibly lucky." Karen asked as she kept on fiddling with the remote control of the TV and endlessly channel-surf._

_Quinn had move pass the worst and her recovery was found to be promising everyday. Still, bound to the hospital bed for rest and Rachel's diligent checks, things began to move at a different course all because this time, things weren't simpler than before, things weren't easy than before, things felt heavier than before; all because of the simple golden band wrapped around her right ring finger. _

"_I know all that." Quinn replied quietly as she played with the edges of the hospital sheets. _

_Then, Quinn felt Karen's dark grey orbs staring back. From all the times, she talked to her about another woman, never had she felt so ashamed…until now. Because she knew the fact that Rachel wasn't like any of the women she had been with. She couldn't even place her with all of them. Rachel was a woman to her own and that what had drawn her. _

"_I love her" Quinn was taken by surprise by her own words._

_While Quinn's thoughts lay heavily and dark towards a simple ring, those words she spoke ring true. Those words were said with such conviction, honesty and strength she never thought she had. _

"_Okay." Karen replied with a smirk before continuing her channel surfing, "Do you know if there's anything good on?"_

"I love her." Quinn whispered as she touched the ring, saying it like a chant as if it would eliminate fear and other unwanted emotions towards the bond it represent.

Suddenly realising her whereabouts, Quinn pulled her thoughts from the ring, from Rachel and from anything personal back to her case with its two dead bodies, a mysterious third party and its perpetrator still on the loose. Ignoring the weight hanging inside her chest, she walked back to the bullpen.

Hours passed by far quicker than Quinn originally thought. Coming back from the break room with a mug of coffee, she approached the bullpen once more. More was done today; the mystery of a secondary phone was found and Karen was the one who found it. She used the books found with the bodies, as apparently, it was much more than a record book of drug sales.

"_Not all of this codes represent drugs. Some represent time and date of exchange, client info, shipment info and…. Numbers. Here it is." Karen pointed to the 10 digit numbers on the book, showing it to Quinn._

"_And how can you sure when we've got those checked with your people? Didn't they clear it?" Campbell asked._

_Karen ignored Campbell's question before typing the number into Quinn's computer._

"_None of you told me, didn't you? Most of the techs don't have the experiences I have in chasing drug dealers. These people are smart. How else have they gotten so much money and not alert any cops?" Karen explained as she put through the number into a search database program that cross-references it with phone companies._

_Quinn saw the shared glance Campbell and Flannigan exchanged. They seemed moderately impressed, which caused her smirk. Karen's ability to constantly surprise people had always made her a little proud in knowing the woman. A few more strokes of the keyboards along with its rhythmic sounds, Karen turned the monitor to show them. _

"_There" Was all Karen said as the necessary information about Mrs Fowler was on the screen._

_Then, ringing erupted the silence. _

"_Someone's calling it." Quinn said as if it wasn't obvious._

"_Wait." Karen said before she working her genius once more._

"_You're tracing it?" Flannigan asked._

"_No, I'm twittering about it." Karen replied sarcastically before she got a location._

_Once Karen gave the location, Quinn, Campbell and Flannigan started gearing up._

"_Aren't you going?" Quinn asked._

"_Nope. Chances are Mr B has a hidden phone number. I'll ring you if there's anything and I'll see if there's more to find." Karen explained as she moved the monitor to face her, "You guys go."_

"_Suit your self." Quinn replied before leaving the bullpen with Campbell and Flannigan on her tail_.

Finding the phones, as it turned out Mr Brooks did have a secondary phone as well, helped narrow down the possibilities of the case such as that there was a third party involved, that money was definitely a factor and that there would be a drop off; a meeting. Though, it was still unknown how Mr Robert Diego was involved into all this.

"So the meet would be in a warehouse by the industrial works in the south." Karen explained as she stretched in the chair.

"You got the time?" Quinn asked as she sipped her coffee.

"Uhm…." Karen squinted for a moment before leaning forwards to the phones and began clicking buttons, "Around 1 pm."

"We'll set up a team for the meet." Quinn said before placing her mug of coffee near Karen and coming up to the newly filled murder board with information.

"Sure, we can but we need a way in. This person, who ever this is, connects both victims and could be the killer. This could a trap."

"It is already a trap. How can we meet the guy if both of his contacts are dead?" Quinn stared deeply at the murder board, hoping the answers could be found.

"I could do it." Karen said, causing Quinn to turn around and saw that Karen was drinking her coffee while busy with the phones.

Hearing those words spoken so carelessly didn't just surprise Quinn, in fact and more often than not, she expected it. That was one of Karen's many flaws; she always had a taste for danger and with it came a huge disregard for her own welfare. That only not urged Quinn to be protective of her but also to keep the woman in line because if she didn't, Karen would meet her end sooner than later.

"No." Quinn argued.

"Yes, I can do my undercover work. It's simple."

"No."

Karen looked like she wanted to argue but didn't. Instead the woman stared back at her with her dark grey orbs, serious and calculating.

"Fine… How the hell do we meet this person?" Karen asked.

"I'll think of something." Quinn didn't sound convincing but Karen didn't say anything.

Quinn could argue with plenty of reasons to keep Karen from doing undercover work such as the meet was a trap or her reputation could forever be tainted or it was simply a bad idea. Yet, she only had one reason; she was afraid; afraid that the meet would go sideways, afraid that history would repeat itself, that she wouldn't be able to help Karen just like she couldn't help Seth.

* * *

Author's note: Thanks for reading and don't hesitate to let me know what you think of this chapter.


	6. Cycle

k: hey, guys. Sorry for the wait. Been struck by writer's block and had a hard time finishing this chapter. *sigh* I hope you guys like it.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything.

Legend:

Italics represent the memory, flashback, past

Fine print or non-italics represent the present

* * *

Chapter 6 – Cycle

The one thing Rachel knew about Quinn was that she always comes back. After every fight they had, no matter how horrible, she would come back to the apartment and remain quiet while avoiding her. Though Quinn's cold shoulder treatment towards her was almost to no avail, it exercised hope to grow; a hope that Quinn would be back to spend another night on their couch while she endure sleeping alone in their bed. It formed patterns; small little things that neither knew until now. Now when she faced the truth of that cycle. When she realised that their fight was orchestrated like a familiar tune. When she recognised that how they react and argue seemed more like a routine. When she understood how their voices rose volumes and tears came to fall were no longer unexpected but became necessary to be seen in the parts of their fights.

The next few steps that followed after the fight were Quinn's return and her cold shoulder, which were what Rachel always dreaded. As much as she loved the idea of Quinn coming back, she stressed over the tensioned ambiance that would come when facing the blonde detective. That the magnitude and intensity of the fight, which led her to a snap decision of a break up, would have turned the apartment into a minefield. Even as plain as stepping foot in it was explosive enough to break Rachel's control, enough to bring her to her knees and enough to make her hate herself for causing it.

However, Quinn's cold shoulder and the routine silence that came along weren't the sights Rachel expected to see once opening the door of her apartment. Instead, she saw Quinn setting their dining table with cooked food and wine.

"Hey, babe." Quinn said with a smile as she approached Rachel while taking something from the chair and hiding it behind her.

"Hi" Was all Rachel would say as not only flood of emotions rush to her system but also questions, "What are you doing here?"

"Oh, having dinner with you, what else am I doing here?" Quinn asked, almost sounding anxious and a little offended but her smile eased somewhat the slow increase of tension building up inside the apartment.

"But-" Rachel was speechless and confused.

"Look, I don't want to fight… Can I just have dinner with you? Is that possible?" Quinn asked and Rachel easily felt her worries fade into the back of her head.

How was it that by the simple sight of Quinn being awfully shy and childish could rid all the lurking doubts and hidden pain Rachel have? Then, Quinn pulled a bouquet of assorted flowers in front of her and smiled sheepishly much like before.

_Rachel had been covering up for Phoebe's ER shift because of a family emergency. Sometimes she wondered if Phoebe really did have a family emergency or was it simply because of a party or some guy Phoebe was obsessing about. Downing her second cup of her coffee, she hoped that the shift would run its course because sleep deprivation was taking a toll on her. Until her pager beeped, Rachel checked it and immediately discarded her coffee before speeding towards the ER. _

"_What's up?" Rachel asked as she entered the ER._

"_Hey" Was all Rachel heard before turning around and seeing Quinn with a bouquet of dozen red roses._

"_Hey yourself. What are you doing here?" Rachel asked as she grabbed Quinn aside to an empty trauma room, avoiding causing a scene or starting gossip. _

"_Look, I know I haven't been around a lot and I'm sorry for that. So… how do you feel about breakfast?" Quinn asked childishly and shyly as she handed Rachel the flowers._

_Rachel sighed and checked her watch. _

"_Breakfast at 4 am?" Rachel asked as she looked up at Quinn._

"_Please?" Quinn asked once more with another persuasive smile._

"Of course, it's possible and thanks. They're lovely." Rachel smiled back as she accepted the flowers.

"Good. I'm glad."

Rachel leaned into the flowers and sniffed its beautiful fragrance.

"Are you sure this isn't an apology?" Rachel asked as she gave Quinn her suspecting look.

Quinn chuckled and sighed.

"No, trust me. If I was going to give you flowers as an apology, I'd grow you a garden." Quinn replied, "Now, come on… the food's getting cold."

Rachel wanted to reach for Quinn's hands but denied herself the pleasure. As much as she appreciated the effort Quinn took for this surprise dinner, she knew better. She couldn't hold back her suspicions from resurfacing. Something was wrong but it felt familiar. Then, she realised this was no longer foreign territory. Quinn was not exactly one for surprise or spontaneity. She was a woman who calculated her steps and planned her moves.

_Rachel had a fight with Quinn over the constant cancellations of their dinner plans. She hadn't talked to her for almost three days and for the most part, she was worried, frustrated and pissed. She also had been avoiding all the calls from her. She had just finished her shift from the hospital and was walking towards her car. _

_However, the drizzle of snowfall didn't seem to help her feel better. Once reaching her car, Rachel quickly fumbled for her keys in her bag as she felt her teeth chatter from the chill. Sometimes, she wondered if the world was trying to get her through the weather._

"_Don't be ridiculous, Rachel. Stop being paranoid." Rachel berated herself for being paranoid. _

"_Rachel, thank god, you're here!" _

_Rachel jumped at the voice and nearly slipped if she hadn't grabbed a hold on the side of her car. She turned around to see Quinn._

"_Quinn, what the hell is the matter with you?" Rachel asked as she dusted her pants off from the snow._

"_Well, what do you expect me to do? You weren't answering my calls." Quinn replied back as she took a step forward, "Look, I don't want to fight… Can I just take you to dinner now?"_

_Rachel gave Quinn a suspicious look. _

"_Please?" Quinn added as she shifted her weight between her feet and smiled._

_Rachel sighed before she melted under Quinn's eyes. _

"_Come on, get in before you freeze your butt off." Rachel smiled as she unlocked her car. _

_The sight of Quinn's beaming smile only helped the woman in her cause much to Rachel's concern._

Silence wrapped around them as they ate their dinner. Rachel wanted to hold it in, wanted to just suffer the piercing sounds of silverware against each other and against ceramic plates and wanted to savour this nice dinner… but she didn't. These were the simple steps that follow through after their fight. A ploy that would initiate the cycle to run its course once more.

"_You can't keep putting her first, Rachel. I know you love her but maybe have you loved her too much and loved yourself a little less? You have to be fair to yourself. Make sure she hears and listens to you for your sake… not hers. The fights aren't going to end by themselves. You've got to end it and let her know you're not going to take crap from her… not like this. Please? I hate seeing you like this"_

Once Santana's voice reached Rachel's mind, she knew what to do because this was the cycle of her life with Quinn. One where everything would go south and Rachel would give in then things would be back to normal until everything would go south once again. As each second tick by, she felt the force tugging her back into the circuit, back into the cycle. A choice falling once more into Rachel's hands tore the woman in opposite directions with the question that begged to ask and needed to be answered; how much more of this could she take?

Looking back at Quinn who was busy cutting her meat, Rachel found herself reflecting back on her life. Things weren't like this before, they were better or at least normal as her other relationships went. It wasn't complex; it was simple…easy.

_Rachel hated waiting; waiting on phone calls, waiting for people, waiting for mail. She especially hated queues which where she was, standing with Quinn. They were in line to Beyoncé's concert and had been at it for nearly two hours. _

"_God! Why is this taking so damn long?" Rachel whined as she fidgeted with her top and scratched her leg, "These shoes aren't as comfortable and I don't think I can stand on them any longer."_

_Quinn looked at her before sighing with her lips playing a smile to come._

"_I told you so." Quinn shrugged before receiving a glare from Rachel, "Okay… I'm sorry. You look great though."_

"_Yeah but my feet are killing me." Rachel reached down on her feet while keeping her balance by holding on to Quinn._

_Quinn chuckled as Rachel massaged her aching feet. _

"_Scale one to ten, ten being the highest, how bad?" Quinn asked._

_Rachel looked at Quinn with uncertainty._

"_About eight." Rachel replied._

"_Okay" Quinn said before taking off her shoes and handing them to her._

"_What are you doing? Babe?" Rachel asked, dumbfounded at what Quinn did. _

"_We're swapping shoes." _

"_But my feet is a little smaller than yours."_

"_Trust me, I can fit my feet into your shoes." Quinn replied as she leaned closer to Rachel, "For you and for Beyoncé."_

_Quinn kissed Rachel on the cheek as a sign for reassurance. _

Rachel knew it wasn't hard to see how far they have drifted from what they were to what they have become. How they have come apart in such short time. How could this have happened? How could they let it? When Quinn finally felt Rachel's eyes, she looked up, smiling but Rachel could no longer help herself.

"I can't do this." Rachel spoke as she leaned back on her chair.

"What? Don't you like it?" Quinn asked curiously.

Rachel shook her head and stood up before backing away slowly.

"No…not just this…all of it, Quinn. I can't do it anymore."

"What are you talking about?" Quinn stood up and approached her.

"Us! This! The back and forth thing that we do! I thought I could but I can't anymore. It hurts too much." Rachel felt her heart drum heavily inside her ribcage as tears began to blur her vision and move away further from Quinn's reach, "We need to stop it. Now."

"Look, Rachel, I said I don't want to fight but why do you keep pushing?" Quinn felt the roar of her anger rising at Rachel's sudden rejection of her.

"Because I have to end it" Rachel spoke as she tried to calm herself and looked at Quinn straight in the eyes, "I love you so much, Quinn… but this is too painful…even for me. We do nothing but fight and fight and fight…and we're getting nowhere. I don't know what to do with you anymore. You keep shutting me out, keep pushing me away. Then, what? You come back to me, expecting me to just understand you? To just let me let you back in? Is that it?"

Quinn looked at Rachel with her anger leaving her as pain began to set in and Rachel was trying hard not to give in because there was truth to the words she spoke. Something either of them hadn't heard in a long time for they lived and breathed in a bubble of their own world where they deluded themselves that everything would eventually sort itself out.

"I can't standby and do nothing while I watch you suffer in silence. It sucks because I want to be the person to take away your pain, to chase away your fears, to let you know that everything, doesn't matter how unbearable, will be fine… I want to be that person and not just someone who holds you for comfort. Why won't you let me? Don't you see? It hurts me too… so much more than you think." Rachel continued as she let her tears fall but strengthened her resolve.

Rachel wanted to end this agonising cycle they have and face the problems they've blinded their eyes from because Santana was right. It was destructive. For a second, she kept her eyes focused on Quinn's face when she saw the doubt, the fear, and the pain of carrying something inside. Although, before her own guilt crept to crumble her resolve, Quinn's expression hardened as her tears formed in her eyes. Then, that was it. That was the answer in Rachel's question.

"You… don't understand, Rachel. I-I can't…" Quinn trailed then sighed.

Not knowing how mundane and simple as a sigh could bear such volume and provide the decision Quinn made even before she spoke of it. Rachel felt her throat close up and her chest swell up with the breath she never thought she held.

"I can't." Quinn spoke more firmly, standing guard at her decision, so bold and solid that Rachel not only envisioned the brick wall to be true but she could feel it; its rough texture and its intimidating height.

Rachel wanted to deny the truth enclosed by those words. Quinn couldn't be this distrusting, could she? After all this time? She couldn't understand. What had happened to them? To what they used to be? To what they could be? To what they promised to be?

"I don't know you anymore." Rachel spoke breathlessly as she struggled to breath.

"Maybe you never did."

That moment where Rachel was looking, no, searching Quinn's eyes for something, hoping that what she heard wasn't true, fleeted like sand slipping through her fingers. When she suddenly realised that she had grasping at straws the entire time. That all her wishful thinking had always been in vain. And for all those times she spent desperately hoping that Quinn could find it in herself to trust her enough to finally speak off the things that ate her inside were times wasted on false hope. They were lies. Falsified interpretation of their situation in which she spent believing something different would come. Beautiful insidious illusions that preyed on her weakness. Hearing those words spoken with such simplicity and modesty was more than enough to stop Rachel's heart from beating; enough to cause a collapse in Rachel's hold on life and was enough to have killed her then and there.

No words could explain the pain emanating within Rachel. She was speechless, to say the least. A whimper escaped from her as she stepped further away from Quinn and tore her eyes from the woman. Tears poured down like rainfall and she was gasping for air. Quinn stayed cemented to where she was, unable to look away at Rachel, who was unravelling in front of her.

It wasn't long before Rachel's knees gave in and she fell on the floor. In a failing attempt to gather control, she wrapped her arms around herself and tried to silent the cries she knew coming.

"Please… just leave. Just… go" Rachel spoke with a strained voice, unable to look back at the woman.

"Okay." Was all Rachel heard before Quinn's footsteps echoed and reached the door.

For the second time, Rachel glanced up and watched Quinn walk out of that door after destroying everything they have. Seconds tick by as she stared at the door, unable to deny the truth but unwilling to accept it before crying out for what was taken from her, from them.

Everything was in ruins. No small pieces to glue back together. Nothing could be mended or fixed. Nothing. Their cycle was finally broken and there was nothing left… but silence and the cold wrapping its arms around her and the apartment.

Somewhere in the harmony of Rachel's screams and cries, at the centre of her hysteria, powered by the waves of pain, a strange sense of numbness settled in her. It felt like a gentle breeze passing before a chill would spread up one's spine. Knowing she couldn't stay like a sobbing mess on the floor, she wiped her eyes and began to move. Move to clean up the table. Move to wash the dishes. Move to change her clothes. Move to reach the bed. Yet no sleep came.

It was an endless whirlwind of emotions and Rachel was left standing at the middle of its chaos. Yet she stood there, barely conscious and utterly confused at her newfound freedom. Desperately wanting something tangible to cling on because the fog clouding around the rubble and debris of her world made it difficult to believe that there was anything past it. She built her world surrounding around one thought. That all the loneliness she experienced the hardships she endured, the pain she accepted, the losses she couldn't forget would be the steps in finding happiness; in finding someone who would make all the loneliness, hardships, pain and losses worth it in the end.

Meeting Quinn had Rachel convinced that she was the person she had been waiting for. That they would spend their lives together. That no matter what, they'd be together through all the ups, downs, craziness and mess of life. The kind where "forever" lived within the grasp of a lifetime. The kind of person other people wait for their entire life. She was that to her and more; so much more.

Rachel was drawn to Quinn because of the woman's intensity. The force of her strength, the electricity of her control and the ecstasy within her fire pulled her like gravity. She was helpless around her like a moth to a light. The woman was as serious as a heart attack but was also mysterious as the dark side of the moon. Nothing could get past her. Yet once one overlooked the sturdiness and rigidity, there was gentleness, warmth and uncertainty that could be found.

_Rachel was at second year resident and was placed in the ER. There was a commotion happening at the nurse's station that piqued her interest. It involved a blonde woman yelling at the nurse. _

"_Is there something wrong here?" Rachel asked._

_The blonde woman turned to face her and the flare in her eyes spoke that her patience was out of the window._

"_Yes, there is! What are you, understaffed now? My friend over there is injured and I don't think anyone has seen her yet! She needs a fucking doctor!" _

"_Should I call security?" The nurse asked in concern because of the blonde woman's rage._

"_No… That won't necessary, Luce." Rachel spoke to the nurse then turned her attention to the blonde woman, "Okay…I deeply apologise for that. Where is your friend now?" Rachel spoke in a gentle voice, cautioning and subconsciously trying to calm the woman._

"_This way." The woman walked over to a red-haired woman who was hunched over and inclining to her left side._

"_I'm Dr. Rachel Berry…" Rachel spoke but trailed off as she recognised the injured woman, "Oh, my god! Karen, what happened?"_

"_Hi, Rachel." Karen tried to smile but couldn't._

_Rachel quickly moved and examined Karen's injuries, leaving the blonde woman to be surprised and stunned at the interaction._

"_You two know each other?" The blonde asked in confusion and surprise._

"_Anyone ordering you an x-ray?" Rachel Berry asked, ignoring the blonde's question as she continued to examine the extent of Karen's injuries, "It looks like you've got broken ribs and…dislocated shoulder. Should I be worried for the other guy?"_

"_Yes, we knew each other." Karen answered Quinn then Rachel, trying her best not to wince at the pain, "Yes, someone has ordered me an x-ray."_

_Rachel noticed how Karen ignored her last question and grimaced at the contact._

"_I'll give you some morphine for the pain." Rachel said before leaving and returning with a needle._

_Rachel administered the drug into Karen and not too long, the woman relaxed._

"_I'm Rachel by the way." Rachel introduced herself as she disposed the needle into the sharps bin nearby._

"_Quinn" The blonde said and immediately, Rachel noticed the soft gleam of the woman's green eyes._

"_Who did she piss off this time?" Rachel asked as she wrote in Karen's chart nearby._

"_Just some dealers… Mostly it's out of her stupidity." Quinn retorted as she glared at Karen, still clutching her left side._

"_Dr Berry" A familiar voice called out._

_Rachel turned around and saw the lanky stature of one Marvin Shaw with surprise evident in his face._

"_Are you taking this case?" Marvin asked nervously._

"_No… I'm not… She's a friend." Rachel cleared._

"_Okay" Was all Marvin say, "Well, I'm going to take her x-ray."_

_Then, Rachel found it there. Beneath the anger and tough exterior, she saw it… the worry hidden in them. Quinn might have been a stranger to her but in the span of that second, she saw what could have possibly been the heart of the woman. The gentle lines of worry, fear, insecurity, uncertainty and doubt trembled and a hint of it showed in a fraction of a second. A ghost of a frown, a small twitch of her eye, a quick hitch of her breathe, a hint of swallowing; all these things didn't go unnoticed. She was mesmerised by weakness and strength the woman possessed. The control and panic. The fear and courage. The woman had embodied the entirety of what it meant to be a person in this world; complexity of logic and the simplicity of emotions. _

Rachel turned and shifted on the bed. She could feel the slow tug of exhaustion and for a moment, she yearned for its sublime escape from the thoughts circling her head. Then, she realised it was absurd because there was no escaping from it, not when she was facing Quinn's side of the bed.

_Despite the day being Rachel's day-off, the brunette doctor woke up exactly at half past five in the morning. Though it was more of a routine, she didn't mind it because of the sight she would wake up to. She couldn't resist the smile spreading on her lips. _

_Quinn, still asleep, was facing her. Her arm supported her head instead of the pillow while the other lay limp over Rachel's waist. The blanket only covered her legs and the tank top the blonde detective was wearing hitched up halfway her stomach. Rachel knew that Quinn was a messy sleeper, meaning that woman would wake up in a different position than what she would sleep into. She was fascinated by it, by the childishness of the habit. Sighing, she knew she could no longer resist. Moving closer careful not to disturb her sleep, Rachel kissed her. The contact felt surreal as if she imagined it. The feel of the lips were light that she was convinced there wasn't any contact. Yet there was. The graze of Quinn's lips against her lingered on hers, making her urge to touch every inch of the woman. She bit her lower lip, a habit she didn't know she did, as she contemplated her decision. _

"_Hmmm…" A soft moan, thick with sleep, escaped from Quinn's throat as the edge of her lips rose up into a smile._

_And that did it. Rachel leaned in and placed a kiss on Quinn's nose. There was no need to wake up Quinn. She was far more content, just lying there in the woman's arms and watching the woman dream of other worlds. _

Upon instinct, Rachel reached for Quinn's pillow and hugged it closely to her chest, inhaling the traces of Quinn's scent. She could smell the fruity shampoo and tinge of perfume before her lips quivered and her tears began to form once more.

_Rachel watched Quinn and Karen talk in her room from the hallway. A small smile apparent on her lips as she basked in relief and happiness that Quinn was getting better. Colour was coming back to her complexion and she was talking and walking, though a little weaker than the woman was used, she was alive. That was all that mattered; Quinn was alive. _

_Then, Rachel noticed how Quinn would stare at the ring as if it was a foreign object. There was something at the way she looked at it that stirred something. She couldn't explain it but she saw it… not before they saw her. Karen waved her in and she was more than happy to approach them._

"_Here for your diligent checks or are you making sure I didn't try to steal her away?" Karen asked with a grin._

_Rachel chuckled and sat on the edge of the bed. She reached for Quinn's hand and held it._

"_Just around." Rachel replied as she shrugged then turned to Quinn, "Hey."_

"_Hey yourself." Quinn said with a smile._

"_Don't worry, I'm not here to steal her away… Like I want to be chased around with a scalpel." Karen added with sarcasm evident on her voice as she continued to change channels, "Your TV's sucks."_

"_Oh" Quinn said with a curious tone, "Too bad, I kind of like jealous Rachel."_

"_Really?" Rachel asked with a surprised playful voice as she looked back at Quinn._

_Quinn only nodded with mischievous look. _

"_You want jealous Rachel?" Rachel said as she leaned in, "You got it, babe."_

_Then, Rachel closed the distance and kissed Quinn hard. As she pulled away from her, she tugged a little on Quinn's lower lip._

"_How was that?" Rachel asked with a knowing look._

"_I… I'm going to make myself scarce now." Karen said as she stood up and moved off the bed._

"_Hmm…" Quinn tried to sound unconvinced despite her smile implying otherwise._

"_Don't forget to lock the door, guys." Karen said as she walked off the room and closed the door behind her._

_Yet Rachel and Quinn no longer paid Karen any attention. They were far too consumed with passion to pull away from each other's lips, savouring the sensations and emotions rushing and pumping in their systems. _

Rachel only tightened her hold on the pillow as she fought the urge to scream once again. And she cried and held that pillow until the slits of the curtain lit up because the sun had come up; a new day. Her alarm went off as she expected it to…but then, she thought. What was the point? People get hurt and they die. No matter what, they would die. Just like Mr Winston. Just Mr Jones. Just like her Dad.

It was a cycle, Rachel realised. _You're born, you live, you die_. The endless hours running around the hospital, trying to keep the patients alive, trying to help the injured; these were all in vain because it all result in death. So, why delay the inevitable? Why not let the cycle just run its course?

"I give up. You win." Rachel whispered weakly before closing her eyes and finally, falling into a dark slumber.

* * *

Author's note: Thanks for reading. So... what do you think? Let me know


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